Appreciations really matter. Experiment for yourself: In relationships, you get more of whatever you notice. If you restrict noticing your partner to what you don’t like, guaranteed – you will gain more reason to complain and criticize.
On the other hand, if you discipline yourself to notice your partner’s kindness, generosity or helpfulness, the relationship will become more positive and in that way - improve.
If your partner is deliberately trying to be helpful, appreciations communicate that she is succeeding. If she is “only doing her job,” your saying thank you adds a new dimension to routine: “It may be what you just do, but I’m telling you – it means something to me that you do it.”
How do you appreciate? Well, for sure you say “thank you.” If your relationship is just beginning to turn toward the light after being really dark and negative for a while, anything more than a simple “thank you” may seem fake.
However, once “thank you” becomes part of your relationship vocabulary once more, go further – of course name what your partner did that you appreciate. Then add what it meant to you and how you felt. “When I came home and you had already started dinner, I felt really cared for. It was almost like you already knew that I had had a tough day. Thank you.”
Some partners would love that statement. Others would be out the door before you had finished. We’ll consider them in the next post.
In terms of appreciation, how would you characterize your relationship?
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