Expectations Make Change Easier - or Much Harder

When you are seeking a better relationship, expectations can be either an obstacle or an advantage. Which it is depends on your expectations. Do your expectations about your partner support positive change or undermine it?

In our relationships, most of us don't like many surprises, especially negative ones. Rather than leave ourselves open to surprises that might be unsettling or hurtful, at a certain point we reach conclusions - about our spouse and our marriage, for example. We then form expectations based on those conclusions.

If we were to conclude - my spouse is a selfish person, we would expect selfish behavior from that person and we would almost certainly find it (while overlooking instances of generosity).

What we experience is, to a large extent, determined by our expectations. We find what we expect to find.

If you are so fortunate that your expectations of your partner are mostly all positive, then that person's positive behavior will stand out for you. His or her negative behavior will quite likely either be overlooked or given an innocent explanation. (“She's just having a hard day.”)

On the other hand, if you and your partner set out to improve the relationship and you come to that task with a predominantly negative view of the other person, change is likely to be slow in coming - unless you are determined to abandon old conclusions and teach yourself to notice his or her positive behavior (some of which was  there in the past - guaranteed).

Scrutinize your expectations. Are they working for you, or should you work to let them go?