If It Isn’t Working - Stop

It’s amazing how willing most of us are to keep trying an approach with our partner that isn’t working. The less it’s working, the more determined we are to keep at it until it does.

I have a key that I think ought to unlock a certain door. It doesn’t. I may try that key a couple times, but then I will stop – recognizing that it’s the wrong key. It isn’t going to work.

On the other hand, when the method I’m using to get my partner to open up fails repeatedly, do I stop and try another approach? No, I stick with the key that won’t open the door – and watch things get worse and worse.

Try a different approach. If it is the right approach, it will work. Or it may work because of the novelty effect alone: The fact that it is so diffrerent from your customary approach may be all that is needed.

And it may be that your approach doesn’t work, but it’s not working may provide you with new information and lead you in a direction that does work.

On the other hand, you don’t want to abandon an approach until you have given it a fair chance. How long is a fair chance? When do you know when it’s time to quit and try something different?

Here are some guidelines:

• Stop the approach that you are using when you are no longer thinking clearly. If you are getting increasingly furious or desperate, do nothing until you are in possession of yourself again.
• Stop what you are doing if your partner is getting furious or desperate.
• Stop if your partner has clearly said no and you are beginning to behave coercively.
• Stop if it becomes clear that, although your partner might give in, the consequences for the relationship will be worse than if you had stopped earlier.
• Stop when you are bored or really discouraged. What you are doing has failed. The fact that you don’t know what would succeed better is no reason to keep this approach going. There are benefits to simple surrender. Good changes can come about without your making them happen.