If You Fight First Identify Yourself

If you and your partner are going to fight, at least identify yourself – not your name nor the fact that you are upset. What does need to be shared is where you are coming from – principally your feelings – named and explained.

Consider this example: “Before we got married, you assured me that you wanted to have children. Now you are expressing doubts. The way you talk leaves me feeling scared and insecure and very upset with you – like you are breaking a solemn promise to me.”

The person who makes this statement has clearly emphasized what is bothering her and been articulate about it. Her controlled behavior gives her partner no excuse for dodging the issue and focusing on her delivery instead. He may refuse to talk straight with her anyway. However, if she lets her fear take control and rants and raves at her partner, guaranteed – the main issue will not get discussed.

If you want to be heard and understood, you have to be in control of yourself and able to describe your experience when you speak.

Yes, you will lose the possible benefit of spontaneous rage carrying you into battle against your reluctance to fight. Yes, figuring out where you are coming from and how to put it into words may take some time and be challenging for you.

However, when you do speak, it will be with the authority and self-respect of someone who has worked to master himself. It will also provide you with probably your best chance of being heard.