Couple Support

Everything Works Better When You’re Connected

Connecting with mutual satisfaction every day can keep you close and take very little time. It’s hard to solve problems, surmount difficulties even remember that you like each other – when you are not connected.

What does it take to stay connected? Start the day holding each other and talking softly in bed. Hang out together talking over coffee for a few minutes after dinner – and look at each other. Hug each other for longer than a perfunctory few seconds; add loving words. Phone home during the day – “Just called to see how you’re doing.”

In terms of time and energy, this is small stuff. It doesn’t take a cruise ship vacation to stay connected. What it takes is remembering to connect in some “I’m here with you” way every day, and being present when you are doing it.

If you are like most of us, what you need are basic – in the body, in the heart - ways of connecting – ways that allow you to feel, “Now I remember you. You’re the one who cares about me.”

What are your favorite ways of connecting with your partner? Please comment.

If It Isn’t Working - Stop

It’s amazing how willing most of us are to keep trying an approach with our partner that isn’t working. The less it’s working, the more determined we are to keep at it until it does.

I have a key that I think ought to unlock a certain door. It doesn’t. I may try that key a couple times, but then I will stop – recognizing that it’s the wrong key. It isn’t going to work.

On the other hand, when the method I’m using to get my partner to open up fails repeatedly, do I stop and try another approach? No, I stick with the key that won’t open the door – and watch things get worse and worse.

Try a different approach. If it is the right approach, it will work. Or it may work because of the novelty effect alone: The fact that it is so diffrerent from your customary approach may be all that is needed.

And it may be that your approach doesn’t work, but it’s not working may provide you with new information and lead you in a direction that does work.

On the other hand, you don’t want to abandon an approach until you have given it a fair chance. How long is a fair chance? When do you know when it’s time to quit and try something different?

Here are some guidelines:

• Stop the approach that you are using when you are no longer thinking clearly. If you are getting increasingly furious or desperate, do nothing until you are in possession of yourself again.
• Stop what you are doing if your partner is getting furious or desperate.
• Stop if your partner has clearly said no and you are beginning to behave coercively.
• Stop if it becomes clear that, although your partner might give in, the consequences for the relationship will be worse than if you had stopped earlier.
• Stop when you are bored or really discouraged. What you are doing has failed. The fact that you don’t know what would succeed better is no reason to keep this approach going. There are benefits to simple surrender. Good changes can come about without your making them happen.

Expectations Make Change Easier - or Much Harder

When you are seeking a better relationship, expectations can be either an obstacle or an advantage. Which it is depends on your expectations. Do your expectations about your partner support positive change or undermine it?

In our relationships, most of us don't like many surprises, especially negative ones. Rather than leave ourselves open to surprises that might be unsettling or hurtful, at a certain point we reach conclusions - about our spouse and our marriage, for example. We then form expectations based on those conclusions.

If we were to conclude - my spouse is a selfish person, we would expect selfish behavior from that person and we would almost certainly find it (while overlooking instances of generosity).

What we experience is, to a large extent, determined by our expectations. We find what we expect to find.

If you are so fortunate that your expectations of your partner are mostly all positive, then that person's positive behavior will stand out for you. His or her negative behavior will quite likely either be overlooked or given an innocent explanation. (“She's just having a hard day.”)

On the other hand, if you and your partner set out to improve the relationship and you come to that task with a predominantly negative view of the other person, change is likely to be slow in coming - unless you are determined to abandon old conclusions and teach yourself to notice his or her positive behavior (some of which was  there in the past - guaranteed).

Scrutinize your expectations. Are they working for you, or should you work to let them go?

The Voice That Says Yes - the One That Says No

People come to relationship counseling both hopeful (or they wouldn’t bother to come at all) and fearful (or they wouldn’t need to come). You can represent these tendencies as the yes voice and the no voice. Both are strongly in evidence when couples in damaged relationships set out to try again.

In you are considering an investment of time, money and faith in starting over, expect there to be a part of yourself that wants that change and believes in the possibility of it coming to pass. Expect also that there will be another part of yourself, suspicious and wary after much pain and disappointment, that wants nothing to do with starting over.

Expect the latter part to be full of warnings and dire predictions. Count on it to be against your “setting yourself up for getting badly hurt again.” This part of you can be counted on to pounce on any backsliding in your partner’s behavior with “See, I told you so!” passion.

If your yes side and your no side are of equal strength, you are likely to drive yourself nuts with indecision. It would be understandable if you tried to resolve that indecision with a grand leap in one direction or the other. Don’t.

If optimism grabs the upper hand prematurely and you suppress your no voice, you will likely only scare it into even louder objections than before. You could find yourself leaping ahead only to quit rashly before the impulse to try again has had time to prove itself.

What to do? Accept the fact that neither your yes nor your no voice are going to go away – at least not soon. They both are, so to speak, family. Give each a full opportunity to explain herself fully – the argument for going ahead and the argument for giving up. Make sure that these two sides really listen to each other.

If you decide to go with yes and work at repairing your damaged relationship, make sure that your no side is reassured with a practical plan for getting out in a specific length of time, if your minimal conditions for relationship improvement have not been met. No vague promises here – your no side needs to be reassured by a definite exit plan from the relationship.

All of this is going to take time and work. But it will be work well spent - and much better than either refusing to give the relationship another chance, if you believe that one is justified, or putting on some blind “trust, no matter what” attitude and leaping blindly – perhaps off a cliff.

What the Couples Counselor Does - Do Yourselves

A fair amount of what even a good couples counselor or coach contributes is basically very simple and doesn’t require a lot of skill. Specifically he doesn’t take sides, and he listens.

The fact that the couples counselor or coach stands outside the action and has no position to promote means that he can understand and empathize with both partners. The fact that he has no position to argue also means that he is free to listen openly and fully.

Because of her position, the counselor or coach picks up all sorts of useful information that is not available to the couple. They are busy advocating for or defending themselves, which means that they are not listening to each other and, therefore, are pretty much fighting blindly.

The counselor or coach knows more and is more effective not because he is inherently wiser or more sensitive than the couple but because, unlike them, he is not imprisoned by a position. He is available to listen and to learn, and can help the couple in ways that they, immersed in their argument, can’t help themselves.

So the couple pays him money for his listening ability, his information, his perspectives and the options for action that he can offer.

Assuming the couple wants to improve their relationship, what can they do? They can continue to see this counselor or coach for a very long time. They can entice her to move in with them (I have had more than one couple ask me to move in!).

Or they can each learn to do what the counselor or coach does. Taking turns, they can step back from the action, set aside their own positions temporarily, make themselves available and, as if they were the coach or counselor, listen deeply to each other, seeking understanding.

Learning how to do all that may be challenging, but it sure beats keeping the counselor or coach around forever. And anyway he or she is not going to move with the two of you and make you well.

If You Fight First Identify Yourself

If you and your partner are going to fight, at least identify yourself – not your name nor the fact that you are upset. What does need to be shared is where you are coming from – principally your feelings – named and explained.

Consider this example: “Before we got married, you assured me that you wanted to have children. Now you are expressing doubts. The way you talk leaves me feeling scared and insecure and very upset with you – like you are breaking a solemn promise to me.”

The person who makes this statement has clearly emphasized what is bothering her and been articulate about it. Her controlled behavior gives her partner no excuse for dodging the issue and focusing on her delivery instead. He may refuse to talk straight with her anyway. However, if she lets her fear take control and rants and raves at her partner, guaranteed – the main issue will not get discussed.

If you want to be heard and understood, you have to be in control of yourself and able to describe your experience when you speak.

Yes, you will lose the possible benefit of spontaneous rage carrying you into battle against your reluctance to fight. Yes, figuring out where you are coming from and how to put it into words may take some time and be challenging for you.

However, when you do speak, it will be with the authority and self-respect of someone who has worked to master himself. It will also provide you with probably your best chance of being heard.

Partners Who Won’t Accept Compliments

Compliments can do wonders for a relationship – when they are offered – and accepted. The problem is often with acceptance. Some partners don’t like compliments and won’t accept them.

Sometimes the refusal is outright. More often it’s a discount (“I didn’t do anything.”) I spent January in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, in part working on the Couples Vacation Intensives program I’ve started. There the common response to even a compliment is “De nada,” which loosely translates “It’s nothing.”

A cultural discount. It makes me want to say, “No. Don’t tell me it’s nothing. If it was nothing, I wouldn’t have bothered to thank you. It’s not nothing. It’s something: You did me a favor. You were helpful. I appreciated it. What you did made a difference to me. So don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

The point is - if only in acknowledgment of my experience, say thank you. Accept my appreciation for what you did. Don’t dismiss it with “It’s nothing.” (Tip: With the partner who is inclined to reject compliments, say – do it for me, so that I can have the pleasure of my gift being accepted.)

What’s going on here with the refusal to accept compliments or appreciation of any kind? To me, it’s like some people’s refusal to acknowledge Christmas or celebrate their birthday – in some cases a defense against the pain that still lingers from awful Christmases or no-present birthdays: If I don’t even acknowledge the holiday, I won’t have to hurt about it.

Also, some people find more control and, therefore, less risk in giving than in receiving. If I am on the receiving end of your praise or appreciation, I might be really moved by what you say. I might get choked up. Then what? Safer for there to be no compliments or at least to always be the one who hands them out.

Okay. But when two people have pledged to work together for a more positive relationship, then part of that working together needs to involve compliments – in part overcoming the reluctance to be “sappy” and give compliments freely and being willing to stand still, take them– and actually feel “I am being given to.”

Related reading: The article collection on Appreciation at marriagesupport.com.

Appreciations Really Matter

Appreciations really matter. Experiment for yourself: In relationships, you get more of whatever you notice. If you restrict noticing your partner to what you don’t like, guaranteed – you will gain more reason to complain and criticize.

On the other hand, if you discipline yourself to notice your partner’s kindness, generosity or helpfulness, the relationship will become more positive and in that way - improve.

If your partner is deliberately trying to be helpful, appreciations communicate that she is succeeding. If she is “only doing her job,” your saying thank you adds a new dimension to routine: “It may be what you just do, but I’m telling you – it means something to me that you do it.”

How do you appreciate? Well, for sure you say “thank you.” If your relationship is just beginning to turn toward the light after being really dark and negative for a while, anything more than a simple “thank you” may seem fake.

However, once “thank you” becomes part of your relationship vocabulary once more, go further – of course name what your partner did that you appreciate. Then add what it meant to you and how you felt. “When I came home and you had already started dinner, I felt really cared for. It was almost like you already knew that I had had a tough day. Thank you.”

Some partners would love that statement. Others would be out the door before you had finished. We’ll consider them in the next post.

In terms of appreciation, how would you characterize your relationship?

Repairing? Notice Every Positive Act

How do you restore a relationship gone bitter with blame and criticism? Slowly, patiently, one small success at a time.

Through your behavior, you have to invite each other to behave in a new and more positive way. You have to anticipate generous behavior in your partner and in yourself. You have to encourage positive behavior by appreciating anything of the sort– large or small, impressive or modest.

Have the ultimate goal in mind – as remote from realization as it may seem. The ultimate goal: You and your partner build a new relationship, in which each of you gets to like and respect yourself in a positive role or roles that the other person also appreciates.

In terms of your own behavior, whenever your partner reaches out to you with any degree of helpfulness, appreciation or warmth (any one of those – not all of them!) appreciate it.

Never mind that what your partner has done isn’t all that you want or maybe even much of it. Never mind that your partner’s behavior  doesn’t warm the room or even brighten it. It is a ray of light, nevertheless. It points in the right direction. That is what matters.

It also matters that your partner is acting at his or her own initiative – not responding to a request or yours – and certainly not to a demand.

Notice any positive action of your partner’s. Appreciate it – but don’t overdue it. “Thanks. That was helpful.” “Thanks for noticing.” Then add a smile. Especially the smile.

And no damning with faint praise. No sarcastic “At least you did that much” or anything remotely disappointed sounding. Just thanks and the smile.

The person on the receiving end of your thank you might well think:

• I took a chance and did something helpful.
• It was noticed and appreciated.
• It wasn’t criticized.
• I didn’t fail.
• I might try again.

You could call that a good start.

With Your Partner, Be Someone You Respect

In successful marriages, people get to like themselves and each other. The husband has a “place” in the marriage that he is glad to occupy - a role or roles where he gets to be a person he respects and enjoys being. The wife has the same experience.

Perhaps, she likes to exercise initiative - to come up with interesting activities to do with her partner. In this relationship, she gets to do that. Her husband does more that passively make room for her initiatives. He appreciates her being that way. He often follows her lead in the activities that she suggests. In behavioral language, he rewards her for being whom she likes to be.

The fact that each has a place in the relationship that is favored both by themselves and by their partner means that tolerating the inevitable roles that they would rather not occupy becomes easier.

Conversely, when there is no place in the marriage for a “me” that I can respect and that is appreciated by my partner – then, of course, I don’t want to be there. I may stay, but if I do it will be with resentment and perhaps also the sense that I am betraying myself.

If you want your relationship to succeed, make sure to provide a place in your life – and in your heart – for some of the skills and sensibilities that your partner values in herself or himself.

Make sure, too, that you take the initiative in seeing to it that, in ways that matter to you, you get to be some significant part of the person you also want to be.