Partners Who Won’t Accept Compliments

Compliments can do wonders for a relationship – when they are offered – and accepted. The problem is often with acceptance. Some partners don’t like compliments and won’t accept them.

Sometimes the refusal is outright. More often it’s a discount (“I didn’t do anything.”) I spent January in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, in part working on the Couples Vacation Intensives program I’ve started. There the common response to even a compliment is “De nada,” which loosely translates “It’s nothing.”

A cultural discount. It makes me want to say, “No. Don’t tell me it’s nothing. If it was nothing, I wouldn’t have bothered to thank you. It’s not nothing. It’s something: You did me a favor. You were helpful. I appreciated it. What you did made a difference to me. So don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

The point is - if only in acknowledgment of my experience, say thank you. Accept my appreciation for what you did. Don’t dismiss it with “It’s nothing.” (Tip: With the partner who is inclined to reject compliments, say – do it for me, so that I can have the pleasure of my gift being accepted.)

What’s going on here with the refusal to accept compliments or appreciation of any kind? To me, it’s like some people’s refusal to acknowledge Christmas or celebrate their birthday – in some cases a defense against the pain that still lingers from awful Christmases or no-present birthdays: If I don’t even acknowledge the holiday, I won’t have to hurt about it.

Also, some people find more control and, therefore, less risk in giving than in receiving. If I am on the receiving end of your praise or appreciation, I might be really moved by what you say. I might get choked up. Then what? Safer for there to be no compliments or at least to always be the one who hands them out.

Okay. But when two people have pledged to work together for a more positive relationship, then part of that working together needs to involve compliments – in part overcoming the reluctance to be “sappy” and give compliments freely and being willing to stand still, take them– and actually feel “I am being given to.”

Related reading: The article collection on Appreciation at marriagesupport.com.