How do you restore a relationship gone bitter with blame and criticism? Slowly, patiently, one small success at a time.
Through your behavior, you have to invite each other to behave in a new and more positive way. You have to anticipate generous behavior in your partner and in yourself. You have to encourage positive behavior by appreciating anything of the sort– large or small, impressive or modest.
Have the ultimate goal in mind – as remote from realization as it may seem. The ultimate goal: You and your partner build a new relationship, in which each of you gets to like and respect yourself in a positive role or roles that the other person also appreciates.
In terms of your own behavior, whenever your partner reaches out to you with any degree of helpfulness, appreciation or warmth (any one of those – not all of them!) appreciate it.
Never mind that what your partner has done isn’t all that you want or maybe even much of it. Never mind that your partner’s behavior doesn’t warm the room or even brighten it. It is a ray of light, nevertheless. It points in the right direction. That is what matters.
It also matters that your partner is acting at his or her own initiative – not responding to a request or yours – and certainly not to a demand.
Notice any positive action of your partner’s. Appreciate it – but don’t overdue it. “Thanks. That was helpful.” “Thanks for noticing.” Then add a smile. Especially the smile.
And no damning with faint praise. No sarcastic “At least you did that much” or anything remotely disappointed sounding. Just thanks and the smile.
The person on the receiving end of your thank you might well think:
- I took a chance and did something helpful.
- It was noticed and appreciated.
- It wasn’t criticized.
- I didn’t fail.
- I might try again.
You could call that a good start.
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