What the Couples Counselor Does - Do Yourselves

A fair amount of what even a good couples counselor or coach contributes is basically very simple and doesn’t require a lot of skill. Specifically he doesn’t take sides, and he listens.

The fact that the couples counselor or coach stands outside the action and has no position to promote means that he can understand and empathize with both partners. The fact that he has no position to argue also means that he is free to listen openly and fully.

Because of her position, the counselor or coach picks up all sorts of useful information that is not available to the couple. They are busy advocating for or defending themselves, which means that they are not listening to each other and, therefore, are pretty much fighting blindly.

The counselor or coach knows more and is more effective not because he is inherently wiser or more sensitive than the couple but because, unlike them, he is not imprisoned by a position. He is available to listen and to learn, and can help the couple in ways that they, immersed in their argument, can’t help themselves.

So the couple pays him money for his listening ability, his information, his perspectives and the options for action that he can offer.

Assuming the couple wants to improve their relationship, what can they do? They can continue to see this counselor or coach for a very long time. They can entice her to move in with them (I have had more than one couple ask me to move in!).

Or they can each learn to do what the counselor or coach does. Taking turns, they can step back from the action, set aside their own positions temporarily, make themselves available and, as if they were the coach or counselor, listen deeply to each other, seeking understanding.

Learning how to do all that may be challenging, but it sure beats keeping the counselor or coach around forever. And anyway he or she is not going to move with the two of you and make you well.

Comments

[MARLA]

HI, I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR ARTICLES EVERYDAY FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS, AND I WANTED TO WRITE AND TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HAVE BEEN LEARNING FROM THEM!!!! I LOVE THEM. THEY HAVE SO MUCH TRUTH AND NOW I CAN LOOK AT THINGS DIFFERENTLY TO TRYIN' HELP MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!! THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH FOR YOUR SITE. I'M LEARING HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN ISSUES INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIX HIS. CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WAS FOCUSING ON WAS HIS ISSUES,AND I CAN'T MAKE HIM CHANGE. SO, HOPEFULLY, AS I FOCUS ON ME AND WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IN THE RELATIONSHIP, HE WILL RESPOND DIFFERENTLY THEN HE DOES NOW AND IN THE PAST. I HOPE I'M SAYING THIS RIGHT. ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW READING YOUR ARTICLES HAVE OPENED MY EYES AND I CAN SEE HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE WRONG.
WOW, AREN'T RELATIONSHIPS HARD WHEN YOU GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE? IT'S SOOO FUNNY (WELL, NOT REALLY FUNNY BY ALL MEANS) HOW TWO PEOPLE THAT LOVE EACH OTHER SOOOOOO MUCH IN THE BEGINNING, CAN TURN SOOOO ROTTEN IF WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE!!!!! IT'S REALLY SAD. IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING,AND WHY THINGS ARE TURNING THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF WHAT YOU EXPECT, YOU ALMOST DON'T WANT TO BE CLOSE TO SOMEONE IN LIFE ANYMORE. BUT THAT'S SOMEONE WHO IS NOT TAKING ANY BLAME ON THERE BEHALF AND ONLY SEEING OTHER PEOPLE AS BEING THE PROBLEM!!! CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA ALWAYS THINK HOW THE OTHER PERSON IS AT FAULT IN THE WAY THEY THINK AND NOT YOURSELF. MOST PEOPLE DO HAVE A HARD TIME FINDING FAULT IN THEMSELVES - I KNOW I HAVE IN ALMOST ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. SO, I WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR SHARING YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND HELPING PEOPLE IN LIFE - LIKE MYSELF- FIND WAYS TO ENRICH AND HELP SAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO DISCOVERING MORE OF WHAT YOU OFFER. HOPE I AM WRITING IN THE RIGHT COMMENT PAGE. OH WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE ABLE TO READ WHAT I'M SENDING YOU.

[Kim E. Terry, MAHS, LPC, NCC, CBMS, ADMS]

I love your site and was wondering if I could print out some of the articles (of course I will credit and reference you and your site in the copies) to provide to the couples that I counsel. Please let me know. I also want to add that I am extremely impressed with you, your site, and all that you do to help couples everywhere. Please keep up the positive work that you do, and please know that you are making a difference that is very much appreciated.
Very Sincerely,
and please feel free to email me,
Kim E. Terry, LPC