Steps to a Better Marriage - the Vision, Part 1

A vivid picture of the relationship that you and your partner want, new skills and a strong, shared commitment to the work will take you a long way toward a better life together. How do you develop that vision? Here is one way:

Each of you make a list of the different aspects of the marriage that matter to you and how you would like each to be – e.g., connecting at the end of the day, making plans for the future, caring for the kids, being affectionate, supporting each other’s work life.

Don’t aim for encyclopedic completeness – just enough to get you started thinking about “how I would like us to be with each other”.

With lists in hand, get together and share what you each have so far. Begin to develop an “Our Vision” list compiled from the contributions of each of you.

This meeting is important: It sets the tone for the whole enterprise. That tone should be – cooperative, positive, future-oriented, mutually supportive, accepting – definitely not competitive, fault-finding, fixated on dark times in the past or blaming.

Emphasize general goals that both of you are likely to embrace. Do not demand or expect equal enthusiasm for each item on the couple list that you are developing. For example, if one of you says, “I want us to share some affection every day,” don’t get into an argument about what sort of affection, how much or when. Whatever either of you proposes goes on the “our list,” excepting items that one of you clearly can’t support – to any degree.

Remember: You are at this point producing the general outlines of your shared vision for the relationship as you both want it to be – nothing else. Except, you are also building trust in the possibility of working together. At the close of the meeting, thank each other for being positive and participating.

What’s next? See the following post.