Think “Soft Moments” and “Hard Moments”

“Soft” and “hard” are useful distinctions for understanding – and improving – your relationship. “Soft” is open, accessible, cooperative, friendly, gentle, vulnerable. “Hard” is closed, remote, combative, unfriendly, harsh.

Most likely you and your partner – in personality and mood - are each mixtures of hard and soft. Your behavior toward each other is sometimes hard and sometimes soft.

An always-soft somebody would be always present in a “whatever you want” sort of way – having little separateness, lacking in boundaries, unprotected. An always-hard somebody would scarcely be in relationship – all separateness, all rigid “I” – no “I’m available” to relate to.

Troubled relationships are frequently hardened ones. Partners, having hurt each other a lot, have learned to hide their softness and vulnerability from each other. These couples are mostly either remote from each other (“Staying separate is the best way to stay safe”) or harsh and combative (“Anticipating attack and ready to defend yourself is the best way to stay safe”).

Here are some tips for making your relationship more safe for softness – i.e., more open, more friendly – more loving:

• Nurture your own vulnerability so that you don’t have to be hard and harsh when you are with your partner. E.g., stay separate and seek rest when you are exhausted.
• Be sympathetically aware of your partner’s vulnerable areas and avoid behavior that threatens them unnecessarily
• Become aware of the pattern in which one of you, perhaps inadvertently, says something that hurts the other person, who immediately closes up and becomes defensive and combative.
• Be sensitive to those communication moments in which your partner is relatively soft, open and reaching out to you. At such moments do your best to do nothing that would cause your partner to shut down. See how long the openness beween you can continue.

What are your tips for couple communication that stays soft and open? Please comment.