Why You May Not Experience Your Partner's Love

“What do you want most of all?” the relationship coach asks the wife. “I want to experience that my husband really loves me,” she answers. The coach turns to the husband. “Do you?” he asks. “Of course, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” the husband replies, frustration in his voice. “He says he loves you,” the coach says to the wife. “I know,” she responds, “but…” Her voice trails off.

Why doesn’t the wife experience her husband’s love? Here are some possibilities.

• The husband really doesn’t love her. However, he is unwilling to jeopardize what the marriage gives him by being honest and saying, “It’s true; I don’t love you.” The wife suspects that he doesn’t love her, but she is unwilling to jeopardize what the marriage gives her by pressing him for an honest answer. Both prefer unhappiness with each other to putting the marriage at risk.
• The husband loves her, but the ways that he shows it are not important enough for her to feel loved.
• He does love her, but the life they are living together is so tepid, so fundamentally devoid of emotion, that of course she doesn’t feel loved. Basically, she doesn’t feel anything with him, nor he with her – except boredom.
• He does love her, but she doesn’t feel loved because she is so wedded to feeling unloved that what he gives never reaches her. She doesn’t know how to receive and feel loved.
• He does love her, but he keeps his love for her to himself. Because of her persistent dissatisfaction with him, he feels like a failure whenever the subject of their loving comes up. In the relationship, he makes himself as invisible as possible.
• He is quite willing to be more demonstrative about his love, but waits for her to ask, fearing that she will turn him down if he goes first. In turn, she refuses to ask for what she wants, believing what whatever she asks for has little value because “I had to ask for it.”

Assuming that these unhappy people do in fact love each other, how do you suggest they get unstuck and find some pleasure in their loving? Please share your thoughts. Click on Comments below.

Comments

[Jessica]

I think to get unstuck, one partner (not both!) needs to commit to changing the script, as you mention in your later post. I believe that one person changing the script can change the responses of the other person, and therefore the emotions. It can take a tremendous amount of blood, sweat, and tears work though, which is why so few people do it. Whenever we are faced with having to change ingrained habits, the universe and all its energy work to resist, it seems! We must persist. As a friend says, from great challenges come GREAT REWARDS!

[DebraW]

This could be me and my husband. He always says "of course I love you, otherwise.... bla bla" but I do not feel loved by him. If I say I don't feel loved, he feels this as criticism, and "getting at him" If he asked me, How could I make you feel loved? I could tell him but he has never actually asked that question. So why not find out what it is your partner needs to feel loved?

[Sailorgirl]

Although my marriage is only 3 years new,my husband and I have been together for over 13yrs.We have delt with many difficult times the concerned health issues,ageing parents,kids,jobs.We learned to live with a lot of stress.Stress tore us apart and my husband became distant to extent of having multiple affairs.I feel like a fool for staying with him,however,if I do leave I will carry my anger and hurt with me when I leave.We both are making a huge effort,love each other,and he is trying to help me feel safe.I feel our efforts to connect is helping both of us to understand ourselves and each other.How do we also learn when it is time to leave?

[Geneva]

I think that Jessica's response speaks volumes for ways that two people can change the destructive cycles that more often than not plague their relationships; Jesica writes: "So why not find out what it is your partner needs to feel loved?" Simularly Dr. Sanford suggests in a later post that couples assertively speak up before they get to the boilding point, letting each other know that their is something that they need to discuss, or asking one's partner what they need to feel loved can help to map out an effective guide for both parties to meet the needs of the other. One word of caution here however, is that no one person can meet all of the needs of another. Thus we also need to remain respectful of this fact. I would be interested to hear what Dr. Sanford has to offer regarding various ways that intimate parties can get their needs met while honoring the sanctity of the relationship.