Steps to a Better Marriage – the Vision, Part 2

To rebuild a marriage that has gotten lost over the years, you need a clear, compelling picture of the relationship you want. Inevitably old hurts and resentment stand in the way of success. However, they need not defeat you, if your goal has sufficient strength. Whether or not it does depends a lot on the clarity of your vision. The more you can see and hear that vision enacted the greater its strength.

How do you build such a vivid, compelling vision? Refer back to the previous post . A general outline of the marriage you want has emerged as you and your partner work together. The next task is to fill that outline in – so that your vision gains the specificity almost of a film script.

We are talking about a marital vision that could, in some aspects, be acted out – it is that clear. Why such clarity? Because a marriage lives in words and action, much like a play. If your marriage has become its own version of a bad play, then to make a better play (marriage) you need good scripts.

One way that you can create good marriage scripts is to be on the lookout for exchanges between you and your partner that do work. Even when the relationship is overall pretty bad, there are some exchanges that succeed.

Analyze those exchanges. What did each of you say or do that made particular moments in your life together work? Once you find out, work those exchanges into your vision. Example: “We need to greet each other at the end of the day routinely the way we did last night.”

Slowly but surely, your vision of the relationship you want to build becomes real as you collect examples from your current life of “the way we want to be together.”

More vision-building suggestions next time.

Comments

[Jay Ferguson]

For six years, I've been involved in a narcotic haze trying to relieve myself of this ever-present chronic pain. As my tolerance for the meds continued, I would lie outright to get more or explain my overusage. My wife has finally left me, My kids no longer speak to me. Talking with my wife is one-sided because it seems to be her side or the highway. I've been alone now for about 3 months. I don't want to be alone, but that's just the way it is.Perhaps I should give it more time???? There's a part of me that would like to stake out on my own again. I've been married 32 years and am 58 years old. Totally my fault for the substance abuse. Any suggestions/