In Marriage Sympathetic Understanding Lessens Fear

When your partner’s behavior scares you, what can you do? 1) You can pretend indifference – It doesn’t bother me. (This usually involves some form of withdrawing from your partner – not a good option.) 2) You can work on yourself until your fear is under control. (An excellent option, but not most people’s choice.) 3) Or you can control your fear by controlling your partner - or trying to. (Many people’s first choice: Hard on the relationship though. )

Example: Tracy reminds her husband, Bill, that this is her night out. She is going to visit with Beth, whom she hasn’t seen for a long time. Tracy’s decision worries Bill. Beth is recently divorced and bitter toward men. Bill is convinced that Beth in particular does not like him.

Bill tells Tracy that she isn’t to go. They quarrel. Tracy is determined that nobody is going to tell her what to do. The hotter she gets, the more worried Bill becomes. It is a bad scene. Tracy storms out. Bill’s angry threats follow her.

On the other hand, if Tracy and Bill had taken the pains to build a really trusting relationship, Bill might have confessed to his wife that he was afraid that her friend, Beth, would bad mouth him and maybe even influence Tracy to leave the marriage.

Beth would not have ridiculed Bill’s fear. Instead she would have been sympathetic – not to Bill’s viewpoint, which she thought was completely unfounded, but to the painfulness of it for him.

The fact that Tracy met Bill’s fear with understanding in itself made Bill feel more secure. She might also have volunteered that she would not even talk about their marriage with Beth, or Bill might have asked for that reassurance, and Tracy might have granted it.

Look at the difference: In the first instance, two threatened people scare each other even more. In the second instance, the same two people work together to solve a problem: She wants to visit with her friend, and he wants to feel secure in their marriage. Each partner helps the other get what s/he needs. The marriage is tested and comes out healthy and strong.