Want a Harmonious Marriage? Then Help Each Other Feel Safe

Is there a single piece of practical advise that, if followed, would save any marriage from disaster? Probably not. But here is one that comes as close as any, in my opinion: Understand and respect the areas in which your partner is vulnerable to fear and the areas in which you, too, are vulnerable to fear. Do your best to keep yourself safe and help your partner to do the same.

When we get married, we bring our fears with us, although they may not be on obvious display until we are well into the marriage and our partner does something that sets us off.

You may see your partner flirt with an attractive someone at a party and suddenly experience the fear of being abandoned. When you want to deliver a legitimate complaint, your partner may experience the fear of being judged and refuse to listen to you.

One partner’s fear-driven behavior typically scares the other partner. Arguments full of accusation and passionate defense that generally follow leave both partners even more afraid than before.

Eventually partners get so wary of each other that the relationship becomes crippled. This unhappy outcome is not inevitable, however. Partners avoid it when they understand and accept their own and each other’s fears and work together to make their relationship a zone of safety, They can then afford to be generous and caring toward each other, because each looks out for the other’s welfare.