I Don't Feel Close to My Partner Any More. Remedies Part 1

“I don’t feel close to my wife any more,” a client said to me. “I hate feeling this way. What can I do about it?” Feeling distant from your partner is a problem in many relationships. Are you looking for a solution? Go looking first for what may have caused the distance. Then consider possible remedies.

I am going to devote a few posts to this topic. It’s an important one.

You don’t feel close to your partner. Here are some questions you can ask yourself, in pursuit of understanding the distance that you feel:

• Do you feel close to anyone? If you don’t, then of course you don’t feel close to your partner either. Are you so self-involved that in a real sense there is no one else in your life but you? No? Then what isolates you? Do you work all the time – mostly alone? Do you live in your head, keeping company only with yourself? Are you isolated by fatigue or illness?

• If there are other people in your life whom you feel close to, try accounting for the closeness. Are you close, for example, through humor? A shared hobby? Spiritual interests? Does the closeness that you have with others shed light on the distance you feel with your partner?

• What did you used to do that made you feel close to your partner? (Maybe you used to take long walks together in the woods or bike together – but you don’t any more.) If it was activity of a certain sort that used to bring you closeness, then consider reviving that activity. Or if doing so is impossible, as it may well be, then – with your partner – look for new activities that hold the promise of a similar closeness.

More questions and ideas next time.

Comments

[Jim Weaver]

Hi David,
Good topic. I think one of the main issues in not feeling close is the building up of resentments. Feeling close is at least partly due to feeling loved by the other person. If you feel ignored, discounted or rejected it is hard to feel close or to wnat to get close. Partly feeling close is the sense that you can share who you are with your partner, especially those aspects of yourself that you think might be rejected.

Part of the answer might be taking the risk to be open with the scary things. Whatever you fear might get you rejected. If you feel that saying you were hurt by something your partner said or did might get a negative and rejecting response, then just saying it might be the scary thing.

If you don't say it, it can build up and fester. After a buildup, it might come out in anger and maybe in a litany of complaints. That is not the best way to have your feelings heard and you may feel worse off and be more convinced than ever that you can experss your feelings. It is better to be timely and calm or calmly emotional. It is a good idea to think of how you might want ot be approached if someone had something difficult to say to you.

[Tee]

I completely agree. My husband and I are in about to get divorced because he had so many hurt feelings that he never expressed. After 17 years of built resentment, he chose to let me know by filing for a divorce. I chose not to talk to him about my hurt feelings, choosing to deal with it by altering my needs. Neither one of us felt safe to discuss what we were feeling until now when it is too late.

[patricia niled]

I have dug my heels in this time after 8 years of sulks from my partner who is never wrong and blows up if I touch a nerve. After years of trying to get him to talk, I've decided its too late and we have had four dreadful weeks of no communication. He leaves bills for me to see rather than simply speak and I am as bad this time, but the cycle has to stop and each time I give in I lose a bit of my own self respect and so it continues.
Unfortunately he won't keep me informed of our joint responsibilities for our home so I am doing what I feel is best for me and not talking the lead again and asking. He knows my vulnerabilities but uses them to put me down which used to work but
I'm fortunate to have several good friends to lean on until it ceases one way or another. Please ladies and gentlemen, learn to face your fears and speak.

[serene]

my pathner is most of the time moody and sulks .Blames all the mistakes on me making me feel guilt.he has been in the past very aggresive when drunk.I have always forgiven him no matter how bad his fault .i am an easy going person and very generous unlike mpathner .we have a baby together .He says he is very fed up of me .I really dont know wat i have done to upset him. most of the tiome i m happy and talkative person but he maes me feel so low that i just so angry upset ,sad etc.How did i get out this relationship i am so attached

[serene]

life is so short.I keep reminding him to be happy and not to care about small things which dont matter.But if i make a mistake he ll talk about it for a very long time. Once he was drunk he trashed my flat ,broke my sons t.v yet i forgave him.We been together almost 6 yrs of me actually always begging to stay .He has hurt me in the past but yet i forgive him .These days he doesnt hurt me physically but mentally always ignoring ,moody and giving dirty looks its hard to wae up every morning ...seeing his miserable face when i just want to say come on be happy lifes so short .we have so much to be grateful for and not tae things fr granted. today i m praying i can be strong to be by myself.