Find the Bad Couple Routines and Change Them

We humans are creatures of habit. Look at our marriages and partner relationships. Couples mostly relate in standard patterns or routines. Some of these routines are neutral, like those that begin the typical work day. Some are positive, like comfortable, satisfying sex. And some are really negative and damage our relationships. The neutral routines are useful. The positive routines are satisfying. The negative routines serve no healthy purpose. We should understand how they work and get rid of them.

Consider the standard "Ruth is unhappy with Ben" routine. Ruth complains harshly to Ben. Ben feels hurt but says nothing. Frustrated by Ben’s silence, Ruth complains more loudly. Ben hurts more but endures in silence. When his only escape is to say something, Ben says, "You are right Ruth – whatever you say. I’m guilty."

This sad routine ends with Ruth stomping off angrily. Afterward, neither speaks to the other - sometimes for days.

A change in either partner’s behavior changes the routine. Ruth would interrupt the routine if she stopped her harangue and asked Ben what she could do that would inspire him to speak. Alternately, Ben could tell Ruth that her manner of speaking hurt him. He could agree to discuss her complaint if she were to speak differently.

Achieving satisfaction with each other would allow Ruth and Ben to look together at their unhappy routine in a cooperative, uncritical way, following this useful pattern: When you do X, I feel Y and respond Z. A better way would be if we…