Ask for What You Want

Even in the best of relationships, you often have to speak up to get what you want. Want a hug? Ask for it. If, like many people, your operating rule is “I shouldn't have to ask for it; you should know what I need” - be prepared to go without. Even the best of us live in our self-involved bubbles a lot of the time.

The fact that your wants and needs are sometimes missed doesn't mean that your partner doesn't love you - only that he was preoccupied at the wrong moment (or just not one to initiate, as in the case of who always asks for sex. But that's a topic all by itself.)

On the other hand, if your partner is chronically inattentive, if what you need is right there on the surface, not hidden inside yourself somewhere and still not seen, then yes you've got an issue worth talking about with your partner. After all, seeing is an attribute of love. If your partner chronically does not see you, then your “I don't feel loved by you” should be taken seriously by both of you.

But don't simply complain. You risk a defensive argument that is unlikely to bring the changes that you want. Instead talk together about the importance of each of you seeing the other. Perhaps your partner doesn't feel seen either, and you can both make some useful changes.

In the meantime, speak up for what you want, and don't let the fact that you asked for it rob you of enjoying whatever your partner then gives you.

Comments

[Shonnie]

Great points Dr. Sanford. I'd like to emphasize something about the asking part -- be direct and clear so your partner doesn't have to infer your meaning. I believe that this challenge comes from having beliefs that it's not okay to stand up for oneself and boldly speak up for what one wants and needs. In my experience, however, such clarity and personal advocacy helps to attract a mate who wants to serve your needs and desires.

[Geneva]

Shonnie,

Your comment December 11, 2006 to sanford's "Ask for what you want article" is quite thought provoking. I agree that being "...direct and clear" can dispell some of the quess work of communicating with one's partner, and that it often plays an essential role in sustaining healthy relationships. With that stated, three relational elements come to mind that may need to be considered where efforts toward assertive communication are concerned; maturity levels, trust levels, and personal presence. First it seems that directness and clarity between a couple is directly related to the level of trust that has grown between the couple for one another. Secondly, beyond skills development assertive communication requires levels of maturity from both partners, which enables both to deal with sensitive issues that are brought to the forefront through honest and open communication. Third of all honest communication requires the active presence of both parties, whom are willing and able to give as well as receive, and as Sanford suggests is willing to "talk together about the importance of each of you seeing the other." Even then "being direct and clear" can sometimes feel like a direct hit, rather than food for bringing clarity to the relationship in helpful ways. Thus I am intersted in how direct and clear conversation gets played out in relationships, and also what relational elements might prevent it from assisting couples in achieving optimal results, particularly in closed systems where asking for what one wants may mean actually not receiving it at all.