Can You Enjoy What You've Got?

In my counseling practice, I look for what is working right in the relationships I see - partly to offset the tendency, especially of couples at the beginning of counseling, to notice only what is wrong. I find that nearly every couple has a behavior range within which they operate successfully.

Maybe it's getting dinner on the table, talking about the kids, building a play house in the backyard, doing Christmas with the grandparents or laughing at silly movies together. Whatever it is, they do it together, and it works.

Years ago some theatre critic, writing about an actress' performance, said that she had a expressive range from A to B. Maybe in your view that about sums it up for your marriage - A to B with an occasional C every month or so.

If you are like many people in a ho-hum relationship, you don't celebrate what you've got. You complain about all the good stuff that isn't there and perhaps never was. Your complaining could be a serious mistake, if it means that the relationship never grows beyond its present limitations.

On the other hand, if you can sincerely and frequently celebrate what you've got with spoken appreciations and other expressions of positive notice, you may begin to get more.

Trying to change means risking the possibility of failure. Many people would rather endure the complaints of an unhappy partner than risk failure, especially if they expect to fail - as people tend to do when all they hear about is their inadequacy.

On the other hand, if you make a habit of celebrating what you have as a couple that is working well, you may provide your partner - and yourself - with the security and confidence to venture more.

Adding new dimensions to a partially successful but limited relationship is almost certainly going to succeed better than condemning what you've got by finding fault with it constantly.