Couple Support

Cooperative and Competitive Conversations Don't Mix Well

Cooperative conversations are quite different from competitive ones. Many people - men probably more than women - don't get this distinction.

In a cooperative conversation partners set out to accomplish something together - explore a topic together, solve a problem together, plan something together. “Together” is the focal word here. In addition to achieving something, the intent in a cooperative conversation is to experience being together.

A cooperative conversation is a “we” experience.

A competitive conversation is an “I” experience - more exactly an “I vs you” experience, in which the aim is to win, to prove oneself smarter, faster, more logical or possessed of a better memory than the other person.

In our society, male conversation tends to be more competitive and female conversation more cooperative. Unhappiness is when he and she set out to talk together and succeed only in frustrating each other. She wants the back and forth pleasure of being together and he sees it as a who-is-right conversation.

In our competitive world, there are lots more “I” conversations than “we” ones. So here are a couple of suggestions for developing “we talk:”

* Rule: You can't present your opinion unless you have asked your partner at least two searching questions about what s/he has just said.

* Rule: Each subsequent statement after the first one must begin with “yes and…,” thus insuring that every statement builds upon the one that came before it.

Can You Enjoy What You've Got?

In my counseling practice, I look for what is working right in the relationships I see - partly to offset the tendency, especially of couples at the beginning of counseling, to notice only what is wrong. I find that nearly every couple has a behavior range within which they operate successfully.

Maybe it's getting dinner on the table, talking about the kids, building a play house in the backyard, doing Christmas with the grandparents or laughing at silly movies together. Whatever it is, they do it together, and it works.

Years ago some theatre critic, writing about an actress' performance, said that she had a expressive range from A to B. Maybe in your view that about sums it up for your marriage - A to B with an occasional C every month or so.

If you are like many people in a ho-hum relationship, you don't celebrate what you've got. You complain about all the good stuff that isn't there and perhaps never was. Your complaining could be a serious mistake, if it means that the relationship never grows beyond its present limitations.

On the other hand, if you can sincerely and frequently celebrate what you've got with spoken appreciations and other expressions of positive notice, you may begin to get more.

Trying to change means risking the possibility of failure. Many people would rather endure the complaints of an unhappy partner than risk failure, especially if they expect to fail - as people tend to do when all they hear about is their inadequacy.

On the other hand, if you make a habit of celebrating what you have as a couple that is working well, you may provide your partner - and yourself - with the security and confidence to venture more.

Adding new dimensions to a partially successful but limited relationship is almost certainly going to succeed better than condemning what you've got by finding fault with it constantly.

Ask for What You Want

Even in the best of relationships, you often have to speak up to get what you want. Want a hug? Ask for it. If, like many people, your operating rule is “I shouldn't have to ask for it; you should know what I need” - be prepared to go without. Even the best of us live in our self-involved bubbles a lot of the time.

The fact that your wants and needs are sometimes missed doesn't mean that your partner doesn't love you - only that he was preoccupied at the wrong moment (or just not one to initiate, as in the case of who always asks for sex. But that's a topic all by itself.)

On the other hand, if your partner is chronically inattentive, if what you need is right there on the surface, not hidden inside yourself somewhere and still not seen, then yes you've got an issue worth talking about with your partner. After all, seeing is an attribute of love. If your partner chronically does not see you, then your “I don't feel loved by you” should be taken seriously by both of you.

But don't simply complain. You risk a defensive argument that is unlikely to bring the changes that you want. Instead talk together about the importance of each of you seeing the other. Perhaps your partner doesn't feel seen either, and you can both make some useful changes.

In the meantime, speak up for what you want, and don't let the fact that you asked for it rob you of enjoying whatever your partner then gives you.

What Does It Mean to Love Yourself?

It used to be that when people said you ought to love yourself I got this disgusting, narcissistic image of someone stroking himself and murmuring “you’re some swell guy” under his breath. So much for loving yourself. It was only later that I came to realize that, indeed, you can’t love anyone else unless you also love yourself.

Loving yourself, as I understand it, means behaving toward yourself somewhere between the way you would behave toward a good friend and toward a child you loved, whom you wanted to grow up to be strong and self-respecting.

Although you wouldn’t always like their behavior, you’d accept your friend and the child as fundamentally good people. You would encourage them in their endeavors, take pleasure in their successes and come to their aid when they became discouraged.

You would not judge them harshly nor condemn them. You would not insult nor degrade them, nor otherwise lead them to feel that they were worthless or a failure. In short, you would be a good friend to your friend and a encouraging, supportive parent figure to the child.

Treat yourself the same way, and – at least in my view – you will be loving yourself. And all without even a touch of narcissism.