Can't Make That Tough Decision? Here's Maybe Why

The fact that you've got a really tough, important decision to make doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to make it. Some people never make the tough decisions. They simply adjust to whatever reality not deciding brings them. Suffering the consequences  turns out to be preferable to taking the big step. But why?

Here are some reasons why people fail to make decision that really matter. Let's use a common issue - deciding to get divorced when, for you, the marriage is over and you deeply want out.

You might fail to take that step despite deeply wanting to do so because -

* You haven't really given yourself permission to act. Your style is to endure. You don't like enduring, but it is what you know how to do. Deciding and acting on your decision is so unknown - it's feels like jumping from a plane with no parachute. You can't bring yourself to do it.

* You have a powerful "should" that keeps you from acting on your decision. In the divorce example your "should" might be "I should be a good person who never hurts anyone." Divorce will hurt your spouse badly. So even though you believe that divorce will ultimately be best for both of you, you can't do it.

* You have a personal requirement that big decisions require 100 per cent certainty. You are understandably somewhat ambivalent about this decision. You can't resolve your ambivalence and can't act against your 100 per cent rule.

* The "you" that needs to act is actually two different voices inside yourself that have different views of what is best. These different voices are not talking with each other. The stronger voice is definite about divorce. The no-divorce voice is too weak to prevail but strong enough to prevent action.

With all of these no-action possibilities, you need to understand the conflict within yourself and work your way toward a resolution. Let each viewpoint express itself fully, perhaps in writing, then look at each viewpoint critically and, despite the scare involved, make your decision - and act.

Comments

[Sarah]

Hi Dr. Sanford.

As a reader of your couple support site I want to thank you. I am certain that your compassion for this work provides much needed mentorship to many couples - and yet so many decisoins are tough to make.

While Im not sure that I see clearly to write at this time. Wannt to let you know this; Fear is never simple and yet can be simply stated. From here I digress...

..and question, what are the positive and also the negative aspects of fear? With intendt I look fear in da face and tell my loved ones we are o.k.

Ambiguious as this might seem conflict is a matrix, where regarding we must be a we dimension of we, I think.

Thank you,

An avid reader

[David Sanford]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your comments. We should respect fear, I think. If we run from our fear or deny it, we are apt to miss the important information that our fear almost certainly holds for us.

Sometimes it helps to rename our fear as “caution” or “warning” and then stop judging ourselves for being afraid. Instead, ask our fear what is the caution or warning it contains for us. Expect an answer. When the answer comes, consider: Can we use the caution or warning that it contains? Often we can.

[David Sanford]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your comments. We should respect fear, I think. If we run from our fear or deny it, we are apt to miss the important information that our fear almost certainly holds for us.

Sometimes it helps to rename our fear as “caution” or “warning” and then stop judging ourselves for being afraid. Instead, ask our fear what is the caution or wearing it contains for us. Expect an answer. When the answer comes, consider: Can we use the caution or warning that it contains? Often we can.

David Sanford