Change or You Will Lose Sight of Each Other

Eventually what doesn’t change is not seen any more. This is as true for you and your partner as it is for that old couch in the living room. If you want to avoid invisibility, make sure you build regular change into the relationship.

Stare for a long time at a blank wall, and eventually you won’t even see it, unless you deliberately look for some variation in its blankness. On your customary drive to work each day, be the passenger for a change, and you’ll see things you never noticed before. Why? Because the routine is interrupted, and some novelty gets introduced.

The same applies to anything seen or otherwise experienced - including your experience of your partner or your partner’s experience of you.

Unless you believe that somehow the relationship can be healthy when you are basically invisible to each other, you had better pay attention to the potential need in yours and every relationship for novelty.

The culprit here is likely to be routine. Routines exist to save time and energy. They do it by allowing you to do the same thing the same way over and over, without your having to pay attention. Do that to your marriage or other relationship long enough, and, believe me, the 
relationship and your partner will pretty much disappear from awareness.

Here are some suggestions for introducing novelty (change) into the relationship: 1) Every day find something new to share with your partner in the evening. 2) Ask a new question of each other each day. 3) Join each other in new circumstances. E.g., go horseback riding; take a Spanish class together. 4) Turn routines on their heads. E.g., where you always agree, decide this time to disagree. 5) Go on a weekly “surprise outing.” Take turns orchestrating it – each one a surprise activity for the other person or a surprise location.