Couple Support

Can't Make That Tough Decision? Here's Maybe Why

The fact that you've got a really tough, important decision to make doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to make it. Some people never make the tough decisions. They simply adjust to whatever reality not deciding brings them. Suffering the consequences  turns out to be preferable to taking the big step. But why?

Here are some reasons why people fail to make decision that really matter. Let's use a common issue - deciding to get divorced when, for you, the marriage is over and you deeply want out.

You might fail to take that step despite deeply wanting to do so because -

* You haven't really given yourself permission to act. Your style is to endure. You don't like enduring, but it is what you know how to do. Deciding and acting on your decision is so unknown - it's feels like jumping from a plane with no parachute. You can't bring yourself to do it.

* You have a powerful "should" that keeps you from acting on your decision. In the divorce example your "should" might be "I should be a good person who never hurts anyone." Divorce will hurt your spouse badly. So even though you believe that divorce will ultimately be best for both of you, you can't do it.

* You have a personal requirement that big decisions require 100 per cent certainty. You are understandably somewhat ambivalent about this decision. You can't resolve your ambivalence and can't act against your 100 per cent rule.

* The "you" that needs to act is actually two different voices inside yourself that have different views of what is best. These different voices are not talking with each other. The stronger voice is definite about divorce. The no-divorce voice is too weak to prevail but strong enough to prevent action.

With all of these no-action possibilities, you need to understand the conflict within yourself and work your way toward a resolution. Let each viewpoint express itself fully, perhaps in writing, then look at each viewpoint critically and, despite the scare involved, make your decision - and act.

Who Has Permission to Do What and Why?

Who Has Permission to Do What and Why?

In your marriage does your husband have permission to criticize how you spend money, but you can't criticize how he does? Do you have permission to tell him that the clothes he is wearing don't look right, but he certainly can't ever say that to you?

Whether or not you and your partner have this particular set of permissions, you almost certainly have some. And almost always they are different permissions for one partner than for the other.

How do permissions get to be permissions? It is quite unlikely that the hypothetical husband asked for permission to criticize his wife's spending. He didn't asked, "Is it okay if I routinely object to your spending?" And she didn't answer, Sure. No problem."

Most permissions come about because one person assumed, and the other really didn't mind or acquiesced.

Every couple has their particular set of permissions. If all the permissions belong to one person, that person is boss, plain and simple. And almost certainly, the person who has no permissions has, in one way or another, dropped out - and really isn't there any more.

Take a look at who has what permissions in your relationship. If yours and your partner's permissions are more or less equal, no problem. If one of you has lots of permissions and the other few or none, you may well have a relationship problem that needs confronting.

If you or your partner has for a long time been silently upset about a permission that the other person has taken for himself or herself, challenge it. "I don't like your doing that. Please don't do it any more." If your challenge goes nowhere, consider giving yourself the same permission. Things may get livelier at home for a bit - but something that really wasn't fair may get changed in the process.

Please comment: Tell us about the permissions in your relationship.

In Marriage the More Competition the Less to Go Around

In marriage, competition between partners often creates scarcity- certainly a scarcity of good feelings and often trust as well. We compete believing that there isn’t enough to go around, when ironically it’s the competition that makes that belief true.

It works this way: If both of us assume that there isn’t enough generosity to go around, I will look out for myself and battle for my needs, and you will look out for yourself and battle for yours. Then guess what? Neither of us will care about the needs of the other. And indeed we will be right: There won’t be enough generosity to go around.

The whole thing works very much as it would if we both believed that there was an insufficient amount of food in the house. We competed for what “little” there was, and when we each found some food, we hoarded it.

Situations such as these cry out for cooperative good sense. There is always more to go around when each of us includes the other person in our calculations – and most to go around when we actually take care of each other’s needs.

If you look out for my needs and I look out for yours, what do we have to worry about? All the expenditure of wasted energy and time all the stress and tension and all the corrosive mistrust of each other are eliminated when we genuinely and seriously act to promote each other’s welfare.

So often it is fear pure and simple that prevents anything like this degree of mutual caring and cooperation to occur. Yes, achieving tight cooperation is necessary. But sometimes, for those hungry enough for change, making a simple comparison can provide essential motivation: This is what it costs us when we compete and work against each other’s needs. This is what we could accomplish if we worked together and looked out for each other’s welfare.

Change or You Will Lose Sight of Each Other

Eventually what doesn’t change is not seen any more. This is as true for you and your partner as it is for that old couch in the living room. If you want to avoid invisibility, make sure you build regular change into the relationship.

Stare for a long time at a blank wall, and eventually you won’t even see it, unless you deliberately look for some variation in its blankness. On your customary drive to work each day, be the passenger for a change, and you’ll see things you never noticed before. Why? Because the routine is interrupted, and some novelty gets introduced.

The same applies to anything seen or otherwise experienced - including your experience of your partner or your partner’s experience of you.

Unless you believe that somehow the relationship can be healthy when you are basically invisible to each other, you had better pay attention to the potential need in yours and every relationship for novelty.

The culprit here is likely to be routine. Routines exist to save time and energy. They do it by allowing you to do the same thing the same way over and over, without your having to pay attention. Do that to your marriage or other relationship long enough, and, believe me, the 
relationship and your partner will pretty much disappear from awareness.

Here are some suggestions for introducing novelty (change) into the relationship: 1) Every day find something new to share with your partner in the evening. 2) Ask a new question of each other each day. 3) Join each other in new circumstances. E.g., go horseback riding; take a Spanish class together. 4) Turn routines on their heads. E.g., where you always agree, decide this time to disagree. 5) Go on a weekly “surprise outing.” Take turns orchestrating it – each one a surprise activity for the other person or a surprise location.