Who Has Permission to Do What and Why?

Who Has Permission to Do What and Why?

In your marriage does your husband have permission to criticize how you spend money, but you can't criticize how he does? Do you have permission to tell him that the clothes he is wearing don't look right, but he certainly can't ever say that to you?

Whether or not you and your partner have this particular set of permissions, you almost certainly have some. And almost always they are different permissions for one partner than for the other.

How do permissions get to be permissions? It is quite unlikely that the hypothetical husband asked for permission to criticize his wife's spending. He didn't asked, "Is it okay if I routinely object to your spending?" And she didn't answer, Sure. No problem."

Most permissions come about because one person assumed, and the other really didn't mind or acquiesced.

Every couple has their particular set of permissions. If all the permissions belong to one person, that person is boss, plain and simple. And almost certainly, the person who has no permissions has, in one way or another, dropped out - and really isn't there any more.

Take a look at who has what permissions in your relationship. If yours and your partner's permissions are more or less equal, no problem. If one of you has lots of permissions and the other few or none, you may well have a relationship problem that needs confronting.

If you or your partner has for a long time been silently upset about a permission that the other person has taken for himself or herself, challenge it. "I don't like your doing that. Please don't do it any more." If your challenge goes nowhere, consider giving yourself the same permission. Things may get livelier at home for a bit - but something that really wasn't fair may get changed in the process.

Please comment: Tell us about the permissions in your relationship.