Most couple fights are not fights at all; they're one-sided shout fests. Lots of thunder and lightning may be going on, but these "battles" are more displays of shared pain and hopelessness than anything else.
The noisy partner has lost any hope of getting what s/he wants which, more than anything else, is engagement. S/he is typically beyond much caring about what she says or how she says it. S/he doesn't expect to succeed at communication. She settles instead for angry self-expression.
The partner who is the target doesn't respond, because doing so will only make matters worse. What s/he says won't be respected, s/he feels, and the saying of it will only incense the other partner more. S/he just sits there and takes it, knowing that no matter how awful the harangue, it will eventually come to an end.
Very sad: The partner who wants contact gets none. The partner who hates conflict has no end of it.
Now a real dispute –where both people let off steam, get to say where they're at and get listened to and taken seriously –that's another story entirely.
Is it possible to have an argument that doesn't make matters worse and actually feels good? Definitely yes. Read next week's blog entry.
This is the exact situation that has been rearing up in my current relationship. Both he and I know that the other cares for one another, but we have been unable to overcome the problem of the "one-sided fights" as you put it. You did hit the nail on the head in various areas. I do not talk a whole lot, honestly hardly ever. He rises at least 3 hours earlier than I do and by the time I am awake he is ready to talk and I'm still just getting focused for the day. This of course leads to the build up of tension because then he feels I am ignoring him, although I speak in the morning I still need some "me" time to get it together. Not long just about 15-20 minutes, but I know he's busting at the seams by this time. We have talked about compromising in the mornings, which we still have to work on, but in the meantime I don't want my morning routine to be construde as a big fat don't mess with me right now or else type situation. It's not. I have never talked a whole lot and he always does. The conversation is always good but because I don't banter back and forth continually he feels I don't care. I do care and I try to talk and communicate to assure him that I am not in a "mood" or anything, I'm just not a big talker.
We need help, what do you or any other bloggers think will help our situation.
Evenhigher1
Posted by: evenhigher1 | April 20, 2007 at 07:48 PM