Couple Support

Tip for Couples: Make It Easy to Ask

If you want something from your partner, you ask for it. Easy, right? Apparently not, because lots of people who want, never do ask. Instead they sulk, get angry about not receiving what they never bothered to ask for or do for themselves but resent it. What is this not-asking behavior about?

Here are some possibilities: 1) Asking, explaining yourself, maybe discussing the matter, getting an answer and then sometimes enduring a “no” response is what you have to put up elsewhere in life. Some people figure that when you are a couple you shouldn’t have to ask. “You should know what I need” is what is often said.

2) The “I’d rather do it myself than have to ask you” attitude is likely to be held by people who have an antipathy to being either assertive or dependent. Asking straight on for what you want or need does carry a message of self-acceptance and self-valuing – assertive attitudes that, for a variety of reasons, some people can’t manage.

For some, asking – which acknowledges a desire or a need – puts them too close to dependency, which – again for a variety of reasons – they may fear admitting.

When you do want something from your partner and yet won’t say so, you do go without and that does set you up for resentment. In couple relationships people do tend to communicate their resentment – if not in words, then through body language or a display of feelings.

Here is a classic “everybody loses” situation. The partner who wanted goes without. The partner who “didn’t know that you wanted” gets punished for not providing.

A better way: Work it out with your partner so that either of you can ask for what you want, the other person is allowed to say no if that is where s/he is at, and you both agree to respect that right in each other.

Marriage How-To: Have a Fair Fight

Couple disputes, arguments and fights are all forms of conversation: two people talking, both wanting to get heard. When these rough and tumble conversations fail, it isn’t because they have gotten loud and impassioned. Inevitably, the problem is that, while both people has much to say, neither is listening to the other.

If you want to have an argument, dispute or fight that works for both of you, you must have some rules and follow them – not fussy rules, rules that create a level playing field, permit both people to participate and to come out at the end with some sense of satisfaction.

At the head of the short list of essential rules for a fair fight is – take turns: You speak, then you listen to the other person, well enough to be able to repeat the gist of what that person is saying.

Other essential rules: No overpowering your partner by shouting or cutting that person off. No intimidation and no personal insults. These rules are meant to create a safe space where both partners feel free to express themselves and agree to treat each other respectfully.

If you feel that this emphasis on rules and fighting fair takes all the fun out of going at it with your partner, consider the possibility that this “fun” is seldom shared by both participants. Fighting without rules is more like one person flexing his/her muscles and the other person taking it on the chin.

Big Relationship Problem: One-Sided "Fights"

Most couple fights are not fights at all; they're one-sided shout fests. Lots of thunder and lightning may be going on, but these "battles" are more displays of shared pain and hopelessness than anything else.

The noisy partner has lost any hope of getting what s/he wants which, more than anything else, is engagement. S/he is typically beyond much caring about what she says or how she says it. S/he doesn't expect to succeed at communication. She settles instead for angry self-expression.

The partner who is the target doesn't respond, because doing so will only make matters worse. What s/he says won't be respected, s/he feels, and the saying of it will only incense the other partner more. S/he just sits there and takes it, knowing that no matter how awful the harangue, it will eventually come to an end.

Very sad: The partner who wants contact gets none. The partner who hates conflict has no end of it.

Now a real dispute –where both people let off steam, get to say where they're at and get listened to and taken seriously –that's another story entirely.

Is it possible to have an argument that doesn't make matters worse and actually feels good? Definitely yes. Read next week's blog entry.

Marriage Tip: When There's a Problem Somebody Own It

The first step in solving a relationship problem is to decide who has it. People will say, "There"s a problem here."  No there isn't. Either I have the problem, or you have the problem, or we have the problem. It's somebody's problem, and avoiding naming it as mine, yours or ours only prevents the problem getting solved.

People who are intent on avoiding conflict at all cost will often be reluctant to say "I have a problem" when the implication is - my problem is with you, and I want you to change something. Folks who have difficulty being assertive are also unlikely to own their problem and be clear about it.

Saying "You have the problem,"  means " it's your problem and not mine. Being this clear about boundaries (me on one side, you and your problem on the other side) is difficult for many of us, particularly if we expect ourselves to be loving and helpful all the time. Saying or even implying "It's not my problem"  sounds uncaring, even when it isn't meant to be at all.

Actually, if it is either my problem or your problem, we need to deal with it ourselves and not expect the other person to rescue us from what is our own responsibility. On the other hand, it's fine to ask your partner to help with your problem, as long as you own that it is yours, and your partner is free to refuse if s/he doesn't want to help

In many cases, if the problem is my problem with you, your problem with me or otherwise truly a shared problem, then the best route is to name it as "our problem."  A good rule is that if either of us has a problem with the other, it is definitely a shared problem " definitely our problem. To do otherwise is basically to refuse any responsibility for what is obviously a problem within our relationship. Not a good idea.

Marriage Tip: Avoid Triggering Your Partner’s Anger

You know what a trigger is - it’s the part of the gun that, when you squeeze it, the gun goes off. BOOM. Relationship triggers work the same way. You or your partner does something (the trigger) that predictably gets the other person angry, and s/he explodes.

The trigger could be a subject (e.g., her criticism of his mother) or a manner of speaking (e.g., his accusatory finger while he criticizes her). It could be a matter of timing (e.g., her waking him up in the middle of the night – to talk). Or it could be all sorts of other behavior that one partner has clearly said, “Please don’t do that any more,” and the other partner has gone ahead and done it – way more than once.

The partner being “shot at” understandably concludes – you either can’t or won’t learn, you are deliberately looking for a fight, or you just like to torment me. Whichever it is, s/he feels very much disrespected, and the relationship suffers.

The partner given to pulling the trigger needs to find out why s/he behaves this way. Assuming that there is a grievance behind this uncaring behavior s/he needs to bring the grievance up straight on, rather than continue with actions that cause trouble and solve nothing.

Success in stopping the provocative, “trigger-happy” behavior will have much to do with whether or not the other partner allows an alternative way of expressing displeasure. We all need to be heard, and when partners listen respectfully to each other, trigger behavior usually doesn’t occur.