Marriage Tip: When There's a Problem Somebody Own It

The first step in solving a relationship problem is to decide who has it. People will say, "There"s a problem here."  No there isn't. Either I have the problem, or you have the problem, or we have the problem. It's somebody's problem, and avoiding naming it as mine, yours or ours only prevents the problem getting solved.

People who are intent on avoiding conflict at all cost will often be reluctant to say "I have a problem" when the implication is - my problem is with you, and I want you to change something. Folks who have difficulty being assertive are also unlikely to own their problem and be clear about it.

Saying "You have the problem,"  means " it's your problem and not mine. Being this clear about boundaries (me on one side, you and your problem on the other side) is difficult for many of us, particularly if we expect ourselves to be loving and helpful all the time. Saying or even implying "It's not my problem"  sounds uncaring, even when it isn't meant to be at all.

Actually, if it is either my problem or your problem, we need to deal with it ourselves and not expect the other person to rescue us from what is our own responsibility. On the other hand, it's fine to ask your partner to help with your problem, as long as you own that it is yours, and your partner is free to refuse if s/he doesn't want to help

In many cases, if the problem is my problem with you, your problem with me or otherwise truly a shared problem, then the best route is to name it as "our problem."  A good rule is that if either of us has a problem with the other, it is definitely a shared problem " definitely our problem. To do otherwise is basically to refuse any responsibility for what is obviously a problem within our relationship. Not a good idea.

Comments

[Geneva Zerklwe]

Re: "Marriage Tip: When There's a Problem Somebody Own It"

Dr. Sanford: I enjoy reading your column, and would love to co-write with someone like you someday. However, I am often brutally honest, and therefore even though I am a mediator I am difficult for some to take.

Sine you seem open to additional dialogue however, I want to remind readers that conflicts differ, as do phases of conflict. Thus where mutual ownership of problems that arise between those involved in close interpersonal relationships makes sense, particularly when in the process the human spirit is not violated, joint ownership of "relationship problems are not always sensible or wise.

I write the above, as I recently had the misfortune to experience injustice against me after a security guard accosted me four times, while I was on a local campus. Long story short, conflicts differ, as do phases of conflict. I think therefore it is integral to the health and welfare of family and community to bring additional insights such as these to your readers, as so much of what you say makes sense in the context that it is written, and also must be critically applied in other contexts.

Geneva

[Geneva]

Addendum 1.1 Comments April 10,2007: My apologies for the typos. I have made corrections in the paragraph below. Next time I write I will first want to preview before posting.

Re: "Marriage Tip: When There's a Problem Somebody Own It"

Since you seem open to additional dialogue, I want to remind readers that conflicts differ, as do phases of conflict. Thus where mutual ownership of problems that arise between those involved in close interpersonal relationships makes sense, particularly when in the process the human spirit is not violated.

(OTHERWISE) joint ownership of "relationship problems are not always sensible or wise.

I think therefore it is integral to the health and welfare of family and community to bring additional insights such as these to your readers, as so much of what you say makes sense in the context that it is written, and also must be critically applied in other contexts.

Geneva