Advice for Couples: Don’t Mix Complaints and Requests

Your time and energy are valuable. If you are going to spend both trying to get through to your partner, aim for success: Be clear about your intentions when you speak. Know what you want to accomplish. In particular, don’t mix complaints and requests.

        When one angry or upset partner tells the other what is bothering him/her, the statement typically is a mix of lecture and implied or stated request. E.g., “I detest coming down in the morning and seeing yesterday’s dishes piled up in the sink. Haven’t you got eyes? Don’t you care?” (Mixed in with the criticism and stated or implied, “Please cooperate with me about cleanup.”)

        Invariably, the person on the receiving end misses the request and pays sole attention to the diatribe. That is a shame because hearing and responding to the request might lead to a solution to the dishes problem. On the other hand, the lecture will only generate an argument, and nothing useful will result.

        Solution: Split the complaint and the request. If you really need to complain, do so in one conversation. Then later on, in another conversation, state your request.

        Better still, skip the complaint altogether, if what you really want is a solution to the dishes problem, and you are willing to skip dumping on your partner, if doing so will help finding the solution.

        Refer to what you don’t want any more in a quiet and measured way; then go directly to your request. E.g., “The dishes were still in the sink when I came down this morning. I’d like them washed the night before. Can we cooperate about getting that done?”