Couple Support

Couples Counseling Is Like Dancing School

I sometimes tell new couples who come for counseling that what I am running is something like a dancing school. You come here because you can’t dance together well and would like to do better. I‘m using an analogy, in many ways a good one.

Couples often come to counseling blaming each other for the poor condition of the relationship. The problem is not us; it’s one of us alone, and almost always that one person is — you.

The dancing school analogy gets the couple to consider that the real problem is our failure to work well together in the way we communicate and, usually, in just about every aspect of the relationship, too — rather than what one of us is doing to the other.

The way “we” dance is too clumsy, too harsh; we’re too out of touch with each other and possibly with the music, too. We have too little sense of our individual selves, of each other — and the two of us as the couple dancing.

If the “couples relationship/dancing couple” analogy makes sense to the couple, they will begin to understand and make room for the particular talents of each of them so that they work together more easily and more smoothly. They will talk about the “dance” of their communication and what each asks of the other to make communication “the two us moving easily through the dance of talking together.” Best of all, they will stop blaming each other and begin to focus on the third “person” present — the “we” that they make together.

Relationship Tip: Deliver All Your Complaints At Once

Chronic complaining is really hard on a relationship. Sometimes it’s the sheer number of complaints that weighs a relationship down. But often it’s not the number; it’s the way that the complaints dribble in all day long.

It starts with the “first thing in the morning” complaint — about having slept badly, then 20 minutes later the complaint about “not even having time for breakfast, damn it” Just before going out the door, it’s a complaint with a wretched sigh — “My God, how am I going to endure that idiot working next to me all day long.

The dribble of complaints resumes with crossing the threshold at the end of the work day: “You won’t believe the traffic; I thought I’d spend the night trying to get home.” Then complaints during the evening: the mess the kids make, “How can you watch those dumb TV programs night after night ,“ ending with something about “What have I got to look for tomorrow? Nothing.”

I hope I exaggerate; about some relationships - I know that I don’t exaggerate.

Here’s an idea. It sounds weird, but I’m serious: You and your partner make a pact. Every evening (say) you will set aside 10 minutes for “focused complaining.” You each get five minutes each. Save up all your complaints during the day. Write them in your Complaint Journal but don’t say a single one until your five minute Complaint Time. Then complain away.

Your partner should stand by and provide a sympathetic echo to your complaints. To the “you won’t believe the traffic” complaint, your partner might say (with energy and sincerity) “That must have been TERRIBLE when all you wanted was to get home!”

Try it. The benefits will become clear very quickly.

Advice for Couples: Don’t Mix Complaints and Requests

Your time and energy are valuable. If you are going to spend both trying to get through to your partner, aim for success: Be clear about your intentions when you speak. Know what you want to accomplish. In particular, don’t mix complaints and requests.

        When one angry or upset partner tells the other what is bothering him/her, the statement typically is a mix of lecture and implied or stated request. E.g., “I detest coming down in the morning and seeing yesterday’s dishes piled up in the sink. Haven’t you got eyes? Don’t you care?” (Mixed in with the criticism and stated or implied, “Please cooperate with me about cleanup.”)

        Invariably, the person on the receiving end misses the request and pays sole attention to the diatribe. That is a shame because hearing and responding to the request might lead to a solution to the dishes problem. On the other hand, the lecture will only generate an argument, and nothing useful will result.

        Solution: Split the complaint and the request. If you really need to complain, do so in one conversation. Then later on, in another conversation, state your request.

        Better still, skip the complaint altogether, if what you really want is a solution to the dishes problem, and you are willing to skip dumping on your partner, if doing so will help finding the solution.

        Refer to what you don’t want any more in a quiet and measured way; then go directly to your request. E.g., “The dishes were still in the sink when I came down this morning. I’d like them washed the night before. Can we cooperate about getting that done?”