Relationship Tip: Deliver All Your Complaints At Once

Chronic complaining is really hard on a relationship. Sometimes it’s the sheer number of complaints that weighs a relationship down. But often it’s not the number; it’s the way that the complaints dribble in all day long.

It starts with the “first thing in the morning” complaint — about having slept badly, then 20 minutes later the complaint about “not even having time for breakfast, damn it” Just before going out the door, it’s a complaint with a wretched sigh — “My God, how am I going to endure that idiot working next to me all day long.

The dribble of complaints resumes with crossing the threshold at the end of the work day: “You won’t believe the traffic; I thought I’d spend the night trying to get home.” Then complaints during the evening: the mess the kids make, “How can you watch those dumb TV programs night after night ,“ ending with something about “What have I got to look for tomorrow? Nothing.”

I hope I exaggerate; about some relationships - I know that I don’t exaggerate.

Here’s an idea. It sounds weird, but I’m serious: You and your partner make a pact. Every evening (say) you will set aside 10 minutes for “focused complaining.” You each get five minutes each. Save up all your complaints during the day. Write them in your Complaint Journal but don’t say a single one until your five minute Complaint Time. Then complain away.

Your partner should stand by and provide a sympathetic echo to your complaints. To the “you won’t believe the traffic” complaint, your partner might say (with energy and sincerity) “That must have been TERRIBLE when all you wanted was to get home!”

Try it. The benefits will become clear very quickly.