Don’t React Blindly. Find Your Stance and Follow It

You have a choice in the way you respond to what your partner says to you, even when s/he is speaking harshly. You don’t have to simply open your mouth and react. Few of us are at our best or most persuasive when we are in a shoot-from-the-hip frame of mind. Instead of reacting blindly, think choice, and then consciously pick the stance you are going to assume and speak from it.

Here are four common stances that you could assume in response to harsh, critical statements from your partner. They are - the stoic, the combatant, the seeker for understanding, and the helper.

When you assume the stoic stance, you just sit there silently and take whatever your partner has to dish out. You know from experience that it is going to end eventually. Your stance is the arguing or even objecting makes matters worse; so you stay silent.

In the combatant stance you behave the opposite of the stoic. You figure that a strong offense is the best defense. You see your partner’s behavior as deliberately hurtful, and you won’t take it. Any critical statement your partner makes you challenge. Anything nasty that is said to you, you say back twice as strong.

In the understanding stance, you seek to avoid taking offense, by experiencing the words that are being said to you as about your partner, rather than about. (“She is telling me about her experience and her feelings,” you tell yourself. “I don’t need to feel attacked by what she says.”)

When your stance is that of the one who seeks to understand, you don’t argue about the facts, you don’t defend yourself, you don’t dispute. You listen, and you ask questions. You want to find out what your partner experienced and how she felt, so that you can understand where she is coming from in talking to you the way that she is.

The helper stance is similar to that of the person who seeks understanding. While your partner is criticizing you, you are busy striving to find out what he wants — the unmet need or desire behind the frustration you hear in your partner’s complaints. “What do you wish I had done instead?” you ask. “What would help you feel better now?”

There are advantages and disadvantages to each of these stances. The main thing is to know that you don’t need to blindly react to what your partner says to you. You have options. There are different stances you can take. Choose one.

Comments

[kim]

wow I wish it was that easy (insert Dr's "it IS that easy) to choose one way to react ....

helpful site, btw.. HARD to implement ALOT of things..