Couple Support

You Are a Character in a Domestic Play

Think of your marriage as a stage play, currently in performance—at your house. And why not? Like any play, yours has a story line. It has scenes with dialogue and at least some degree of dramatic interest. Plus it has characters and actors to play those characters—you and your partner.

Don’t be put off by the reference to “actors.” I don’t mean insincere or dishonest - like “just acting, just pretending.” I mean in a role, in the sense that an actor is in a role, one of a number of roles s/he has probably played her/his acting career—just like you have been in many roles and, in fact, are in quite a few right now—in addition to husband or wife, probably also friend, mother or father, son or daughter, employee or employer, colleague—and others.

In each of your roles you behave at least somewhat differently than in other roles. Some of your roles presumably you like, and some you don’t. So while thinking of your marriage or couple relationship as a play, here are some questions to consider.

*Do this one with your partner: If your relationship “play” was a real play and it was in performance at a theater near you, would you attend? Why and why not? If you were the play’s author and you could change the characters somewhat and possibly write in a new scene or two—to make the play more interesting, dramatic or agreeable, what changes would you make?

*Of the various roles you play in your life right now, what is one that has elements that you wish were part of your couple-relationship role? Consider what it would take to bring the best of a different role into your life with your partner. See if your partner would cooperate with your doing just that.

Don’t React Blindly. Find Your Stance and Follow It

You have a choice in the way you respond to what your partner says to you, even when s/he is speaking harshly. You don’t have to simply open your mouth and react. Few of us are at our best or most persuasive when we are in a shoot-from-the-hip frame of mind. Instead of reacting blindly, think choice, and then consciously pick the stance you are going to assume and speak from it.

Here are four common stances that you could assume in response to harsh, critical statements from your partner. They are - the stoic, the combatant, the seeker for understanding, and the helper.

When you assume the stoic stance, you just sit there silently and take whatever your partner has to dish out. You know from experience that it is going to end eventually. Your stance is the arguing or even objecting makes matters worse; so you stay silent.

In the combatant stance you behave the opposite of the stoic. You figure that a strong offense is the best defense. You see your partner’s behavior as deliberately hurtful, and you won’t take it. Any critical statement your partner makes you challenge. Anything nasty that is said to you, you say back twice as strong.

In the understanding stance, you seek to avoid taking offense, by experiencing the words that are being said to you as about your partner, rather than about. (“She is telling me about her experience and her feelings,” you tell yourself. “I don’t need to feel attacked by what she says.”)

When your stance is that of the one who seeks to understand, you don’t argue about the facts, you don’t defend yourself, you don’t dispute. You listen, and you ask questions. You want to find out what your partner experienced and how she felt, so that you can understand where she is coming from in talking to you the way that she is.

The helper stance is similar to that of the person who seeks understanding. While your partner is criticizing you, you are busy striving to find out what he wants — the unmet need or desire behind the frustration you hear in your partner’s complaints. “What do you wish I had done instead?” you ask. “What would help you feel better now?”

There are advantages and disadvantages to each of these stances. The main thing is to know that you don’t need to blindly react to what your partner says to you. You have options. There are different stances you can take. Choose one.

Couples - Save Your Relationship from General Distraction

Do you know about General Distraction? It is an often overlooked malady that infects most of our lives. Why overlooked? Because we are generally too distracted to notice how distracted we are. Hence General Distraction. We are simply pulled in too many directions — yanked around  by myriad competing demands on our attention. The result is that little in our lives gets the attention it really needs. And that definitely goes for life with our partner.

Like any supposedly growing thing, marriage requires regular feeding for it to do well. Focused positive attention is what makes relationships thrive.

Here is a simple, easy way to combat General Distraction and easily give your relationship the attention it deserves. Do this exercise with your partner:

• Each of you ask your partner, “In a couple of words, tell me how you would most like to be treated by me.” (Expect to hear answers such as - “affectionately,” “with interest,” “sympathetically,” “with respect,” “positively.”

• Once you find out the quality that your partner most wants you to show toward him/her, ask what, for example, you would be doing when you were approaching your partner with respect, interest, good humor, etc.

• With your partner’s help, develop a variety of ways that you could act toward your partner in what your partner tells you would matter a lot to her/him.

• Now the “doing it” part: Each day pick one way in which you will give your partner your focused attention, showing respect, affection, friendliness or whatever else that person wants from you. Your gift to your partner - once every day; that’s all - just once.