Couple Support

Make the Relationship Safe for Vulnerability — Yours and Your Partner's

“How much of myself can I bring to this relationship?” “How much can I trust my partner to accept me as I really am?” Many people in relationship ask these questions. Unfortunately, the common answer is — not too much.

In many marriages and couple relationships, it isn’t safe to show that you are afraid, confused, discouraged, lonely or weak. It isn’t safe to let your partner know that you have moments of feeling overwhelmed or that you doubt your ability or, in fact, your worth.

People in such relationships put a lot of energy into not being vulnerable.  Instead of being open, they are circumspect and careful about what they share. Needless to say, when people lack the trust to show vulnerability, the relationship suffers; it becomes less warm, less spontaneous — and less real than it otherwise would be.

In your relationship, how safe is it for you and your partner to show vulnerability?

If you want to make it safe for you and your partner to be more real and more spontaneous with each other, here are some steps that you can take:

* Acknowledge your own areas of vulnerability — to yourself. Hopefully, being fully acquainted with your own vulnerability will make you more accepting of your partner’s.

* Go first; set an example of openness. Experiment with being less defended yourself. For example, apologize when you are wrong. Be more ready to acknowledge when your partner has a better idea than you have.

* Be alert for undefended moments when your partner risks dropping his/her guard with you. Treat such moments with warmth and gentleness, and they will likely increase. (Treat them harshly, and you may wait a long time for your partner to be open with you again.)

* The more you acknowledge your own sensitivity to being hurt, the more alert you will be to the possibility of hurting your partner. When you do, be ready to apologize.

Small steps such as these will make it more safe for both you and your partner to be yourselves in the relationship.

Pressure or Persuasion to Change Your Partner?

There is something that you want your partner to change, and you really mean  it. Okay, but before you approach that person, you ought to ask yourself two questions: 1) What outcome am I looking for? 2) Is my method going to be pressure or persuasion? Concerning outcome, if you don’t know where you want to go, you are not likely to get there. Concerning method, pressure and persuasion don’t mix well. Each has its own advantages and disadvantages. If you try to use both, you are likely to lose the effectiveness of each.

If you are upset with your partner, your intentions are probably limited to either 1) relieving your frustration by unloading on your partner or 2) getting your partner to change — stop doing something s/he is doing or start doing something that s/he is not doing. If you try to get your partner to change while also venting your frustration, you will probably encounter a resentful spouse who won’t change, no matter what s/he may say to the contrary.

There are problems with pressure as your method for getting your partner to change: Pressure and frustration go together well. Pressure is the method you are likely to use if you are already very frustrated. In your frustration, you are likely to come on with force and heat, as a result of which your partner will probably either to refuse to do what you want or agree but not follow through (passive resistance). Even if you do accomplish your purpose, with pressure harmony between you and your partner will almost certainly decrease.

On the other hand, if your method is persuasion and you want to succeed, you will have to work with your partner’s needs and priorities, and an increase in harmony, rather than a decrease, will be likely to result.

When you use pressure, you work against your partner’s resistance. With persuasion you work with your partner’s needs and wishes. It’s clear which approach is going to benefit the relationship more.

Use Gestures to Expand Communication with Your Partner

Back in Neanderthal days people didn’t talk much. They mostly communicated by gesture. Waving their arms, stomping their feet, holding their heads, pointing — it was a limited language, but it definitely communicated well. Gesture is direct, basic and often dramatic. Why don’t you try it more?

Sometimes using a direct and basic language, like the language of gesture, is useful. This is obviously the case when you want to make your point in the strongest possible way.

Using gestures can also be helpful when you generally have difficulty being direct or when you get captured by “maybe this, maybe that” indecision and need to be decisive. Gesture is a way of committing yourself to whatever you are saying, as in, “See, I really mean this!”

Here are some possibilities for experimentation:

• When your intention is to speak from your heart, put your hand on your heart; and keep it there while you speak.
• When you are being expansive, throw your arms wide.
• When you are accusing your partner, point your finger at him or her, and wiggle it. Invite your partner to do the same with you. Then share how it feels to be on the receiving end of the accusing finger.
• When you want your partner to stop, extend your hands palm out in front of you, and make a push-away gesture.
• In an argument or discussion, when you are closed , be closed: Cross your arms in front of your chest. Then make a different gesture of your choosing, to communicate a willingness to compromise. Note the effect.

Think of gesture as a strong way of communicating definiteness. Experiment with it.

Marriage Tip: Do What Feeds Your Relationship — Regularly

Are you married? If you are, here’s a question for you: What keeps the marriage going? Maybe you say habit, or fear, or necessity (I don’t have the money to leave.) Maybe it’s principle (It’s against your religion to leave). Maybe it’s convenience. On the other hand, perhaps mutual love sustains your marriage. Let’s look closely at that possibility.

If what sustains your marriage is your love for each other, then it is almost certain that built into the fabric of your relationship are regular moments of special connection - moments of sharing, affection, intimacy, understanding and support. If you are lucky, these moments of special connection happen daily.

If they happen less often, perhaps because of work or physical separation from each other, they at least happen often enough to feed the relationship and remind each of you of the other person’s devotion and the pleasure and meaning that you share.

If you and your partner are striving to build a closer relationship, take a tip from couples that are already doing well: Deliberately design some moments of special connection, then make sure they occur regularly. Schedule them into your daily or weekly life, if you have to.

You and your spouse figure out together the sorts of easily accessible experiences that feed your relationship. Get clear on the elements of such experiences. E.g., one couple might say that the elements were sitting together + occasionally touching each other + taking turns talking and listening about each other’s concerns - but no talking about problems and no criticizing each other.

Call these “nutritious experiences;” they keep the relationship alive. Once you have one or two such experiences figured out, make sure they happen regularly. Stage them if you have to. Carrying them out may be awkward in the beginning but satisfying and eventually easy and natural as the relationship grows stronger and more satisfying.