Some people come to couples counseling seeking symptom relief; they just want the pain to go away. Other people want to go beyond symptom relief and learn how to succeed together. Couples in a third, smaller group want to build a growth relationship, meaning a relationship that prospers and grows and both of them growing right along with it. Let's look at each possibility.
Symptom relief. Imagine a couple that fights a lot. During these battles they say awful things to each other. They are in real pain and go into counseling to make the pain go away. Each is deeply relieved to discover in counseling that the other wants the marriage to continue and wishes to stop fighting.
Their shared sense of relief carries them into the "honeymoon" phase of counseling; the fighting diminishes, and the pain begins to go away. Unfortunately, the honeymoon is brief. Mistaking symptom relief for genuine change, the couple quits counseling after a few sessions. Soon the fighting resumes and with it the old pain, because the couple didn't work together long enough to figure out what real change would involve.
The people who come to counseling to learn how to succeed together generally do better than the symptom-relief folks. Those who succeed come to understand the dysfunctional behavior that caused their relationship to flounder. They develop ways of doing better and eventually end counseling knowing, more than before, how to succeed at their relationship.
Success doesn't necessarily mean a dynamic, expanding relationship, however, nor does it necessarily mean that partners grow, individually or together. Much depends on how "success" is defined. For example, a couple might say, "We have a successful marriage. I live my life, he lives his life, and we don't bother each other." Success on their terms - but not personal or relationship growth.
The richer your sense of what constitutes a good relationship, the greater the skill and discipline you must bring to achieving it. Based on my experience working with couples, I see nine different areas of skill, attitude and commitment that are involved. I'll begin to describe those areas in my next blog post. Meanwhile -
Please comment: What do you think it takes to build a growing relationship?
After 19 years of marriage, I would say it takes intention to build a growing relationship. We have to be intentional by having a plan, scheduling time to work the plan and a rewards system. For example, if we stay on task with the plan for a certain amount of time, we get a special date time together.
Posted by: Maryanne | March 23, 2009 at 05:42 PM
I feel that couples need to define and describe a possible reachable succefull relationship in their own words and keep map of their own progress down this road Perhaps exploring other terms than just succefull along the narrative path.
Posted by: Relationship counseling | July 23, 2009 at 12:55 PM
Couple counseling gives a very comfortable and strong relationship to the couples. These effective couple counseling is the best program for resolving the debatable issue. It is very short process and psychological therapy. By taking the help of couple counseling, the couples can recover from their relationship problems. Find more information about the couple counseling of this site.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/
Posted by: Couple Counseling | August 04, 2009 at 06:45 AM
http://www.spiral2grow.com provides couples enrichment programs that empower couples to improve their relationship and develop the skills needed to strengthen and enhance their relationship together.
Posted by: Couple Counseling | March 02, 2010 at 12:56 AM
In order to be able to resolve these problems, another party with an objective standpoint is often required, and this is what marriage counselling can offer. It can also help couples with many relationship aspects-contrary to common misconception, counselling is not strictly reserved for those on the verge of a breakup, nor is it only for relationships where a partner has had an affair.
Posted by: san diego marriage counseling | June 29, 2010 at 02:18 AM
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