Do you ever catch yourself in a moment of special fondness for your partner? Maybe at a party you see your wife talking animatedly with a friend and feel a rush of fondness for her. Or as you watch your husband working in the garden, you suddenly feel really fond of him.
Fondness is one of the special rewards of a genuinely warm and caring relationship. Obviously, I'm not talking about the "nothing special" form of fondness that people have in mind when they say things like, "I'm fond of him, but I certainly don't love him."
The fondness that I'm speaking about is a gentle, quiet emotion, not passionate or intense but heartfelt - something that is likely to endure. The experience of fondness has little or nothing to do with thinking or attitude. It is instead an act of seeing, in which you catch your partner doing something endearing.
Fondness is a gentle mix of friendliness, affection and affinity. It is the sort of thing you might say about a good friend. To be able to say it about your partner is a special treat. Fondness is often the mellow experience of a well-burnished relationship that has endured for some time.
How do you get to experience fondness toward your partner, if you don't already? You have to like that person; the relationship has to be free enough of conflict for the sun to shine through, so to speak.
You have to experience your partner in order to feel fondness toward her/him. This sounds self-evident, but some people seldom have a simple experience of the other person; instead they are full of ideas, concepts and conclusions, and thinking about those is what passes for experience.
You must have stayed together and worked at the relationship long enough to come to an acceptance of the other person as s/he is. Fondness often is what you feel toward your partner after the tempest, when you have made piece with the relationship as it is. You get to experience fondness after you have stopped trying to change your partner.
Please comment: When do you feel fond of your partner?
Wonderful advice David!
The moments of great fondness for my wife that you refer to, usually come to me in social settings, outside the everyday context of our home life. The moment often occurs when I recognize that lovely social creature laughing and having fun, and reflecting if just for a moment the humor we have fostered together.
Opposite feelings come from those moments when I don't recognize her character, and feel disconnected from who she is.
Posted by: Jonathan | September 07, 2007 at 10:03 AM
I haven't been with my love for too long, but I do experience fondess of them. Mostly when I watch them talk with others..and see the parts of their personality I really love and appreciate. I don't believe it's something you only experience after years of committment, though I agree it'd be stronger after you've had alot of years and experiences together : )
Posted by: Shion | September 08, 2007 at 11:37 PM
I get surges of fondness when I look in the backyard and see my husband showing my son (by a previous marriage) how to do throw a football, or when I look across the room at him at a party, and I see my stable man, not being the life of the party, but always there interested in what others have to say. At night, when we sit on the couch, me with my book and him with the TV, I'm filled with fondness as he warms my cold toes on his lap. It's a contentment that goes far beyond the original feeling of being "in love"
Posted by: Kris | September 24, 2008 at 12:34 PM
My husband has a habit from long ago of tucking me in at night or for a nap. I feel loved and tended. When I see him playing with my children down on the floor for building time or music time or just "follow their lead" time I again feel a surge of fondness and comfort.
Posted by: Theresa | January 17, 2009 at 09:33 AM
I'm not sure what it is I'm feeling, i know what i want to feel, but there are times when he upsets me so much I can say i hate him.
August 1 is our 17 year annaversery our son is away from home, my husband has ED and has had it for over 6 years, and we had to go through different stages just to get him to take the pill, he had his excuses, he claimed he no longer liked sex, at one point, I understand the male ego and how it works, so i can also understand his embarassment, not understanding why this is happening to him. but what it has done to our marriage may not be repaired.
in the interum he has developed an addiction to an internet game and is on it from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed, but i dont sleep in the same be. now I admit because of all this I have become resentful, and i have done things that would destroy our marriage out of simpley being hurt, he pays no attention to me, when we are alone, he plays the game, he doesn't want me doesn't want me to have friends because they take his time away from him, although he makes no effort to spend anytime with me, he feels he can't spend time with me because it cost money and I am unemployed, i have livedd this way for quite sometime, I feel as though i am a stick of furniture he just can't pat with, but emotionally he is not there at all, I have mixed emotons about what i feel for him, but i do know, that I want to old him bac.
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