Couple Support

Advice for Couples: Don’t Tolerate “Whatever”

There has been a near-epidemic of “whatever” going around. If “whatever” should reach your relationship, stop it at all cost. Don’t let “whatever” take root. In case you have no idea what I am talking about, “whatever” is what some people have gotten in the habit of saying to end discussion. Example: One partner says, “I can’t stand those sarcastic, cutting remarks you make toward me all the time. The other partner responds, “Whatever.”

What’s the problem? Well for one thing “whatever” is usually said in a (yes) sarcastic, cutting (and snide, too!) sort of way. “Whatever” is not a positive or even neutral way of stopping a bad exchange. “Whatever” is not said like “Please, let’s stop.” “Whatever” drips with all sorts of not expressed but clearly implied meanings like “Sure, you jerk” or “You win, for the moment” or “Who cares about what you think.”

“Whatever” is nasty. Like any sarcastic, sidewise remark, it is hard to deal with because the person using “whatever” is not talking straight. Challenge a “whatever” remark, and you are likely to hear back, “You’re too sensitive” or “Just kidding.”

Another problem with “whatever” is that it is often defeatist, when defeat could probably be avoided. When “whatever” is an expression of defeat or hopelessness, the message behind it is apt to be some version of “I can’t get anywhere with you” or “We can’t solve anything—this included.”

Such beliefs should be challenged. When people settle for the belief that change is impossible or that getting through to each other can’t happen, the relationship is stuck and probably won’t get unstuck as long as “whatever” is allowed to stand.

Marriage Question: Could I Get Along with Me?

Imagine how useful it would be if you could experience yourself as your partner experiences you. You would then know what it was like to be on the receiving end of your own behavior, both the positive and the definitely not positive.

Assuming you loved your partner and cared about your partner’s well being, you could then modify some of your behavior—cutting back on the negative and adding to the positive—so that your partner enjoyed living with you more and, incidentally, was more inclined to act similarly toward you. Imagine how much possessing that skill could benefit your relationship!

Unfortunately, you will never experience yourself from the outside and, therefore, never really know what it is like to share a life with you.

However, you can come close. How? One way is to observe your partner closely. If your partner’s manner softens in response to something you have just done, if your partner seems, figuratively speaking, to move closer to you, then you know that the impact of your behavior has been positive. On the other hand, if you do something and your partner draws away from you, say, or speaks harshly toward you, you know that your impact has been negative.

You then may or may not choose to change—that’s up to you—but at least increasing your awareness of your partner’s reaction has given you new information.

You can also go the “would I like that done to me?” route. To use this strategy, you need to sharpen your ability to step outside yourself. This approach may help: Imagine that there is a second you. (You could call this second you “Me2.”) Imagine that Me2 exists outside of you and experiences everything you do to your partner.

Whenever you want to check what it might be like to be on the receiving end of you, jump in your imagination to Me2. From that perspective, ask yourself, ‘What if that were done to me; would I like it?” Chances are that if you wouldn’t like it, your partner probably won’t either.

Tip for Couples: Don’t Fall Into the “Talking Heads” Trap

Don’t you get bored with TV news programs that are all talking heads—no footage from the real world, just two commentators in the newsroom going on and on with their opinions? If you do, then consider this: A lot of marriages are just talking heads, too—ultimately just as unsatisfying as a news broadcast where nothing happens.

I’m not knocking conversation; far from it. Exchanging information, making plans, giving feedback—it all involves talking, and that is fine. But the relationship that is all talk and nothing else loses much and sometimes is in danger of drying up altogether and just blowing away.

Against all-talk marriages, consider relationships in which people are also quiet together—quietly reading together in the same room, with occasional smiles back and forth, or quietly walking through the woods holding hands, or snuggling together in bed before sleep—yes a word or two now and then, but mostly just touching, just being renewed by the basic, direct, simple, root-level meaning of being lovingly in each other’s company—and no need to say anything about it.

If the connection between you and your partner seems shaky sometimes, don’t necessarily go for more talk. You can get a deeper and more reassuring contact through your bodies. Go for the senses. Touch each other.