Your Opportunity to Help Other Couples—and Yourself

Imagine a highly challenging trek, like a trek through the mountains, that remains largely unfamiliar to most people who undertake it, despite the fact that millions of others have made and are making the same journey.

Imagine that more than a few ostensibly practical manuals have been written about the route to be followed and the challenges to be expected along the way. Despite the existence of these manuals written by professionals, many people have found the going difficult, and the failure rate has been high.

Imagine that what these trekkers could really use is the “feet on the ground” experience, wisdom, and encouragement of others who have made the same journey or are currently on that journey themselves.

Imagine that this particular trek is for couples. In some sense, each couple makes the trek by themselves. However, the journey could be made much easier to travel and many more couples would accomplish it, if there was a community of trekkers providing one another with the support along the way that no manual can really provide.

The journey I am talking about is marriage and any deeply committed couple relationship. The way things are now, each couple makes this journey alone—discovers the route alone, encounters difficulties for which they are unprepared alone, experiences discouragement alone, celebrates their victories alone, cherishes their visions alone.

Alone, when so much could be gained were these couples connected to a supportive community of those making the same journey of commitment as themselves.

The community could be email-based, it could have a blog as a center, it could be a community of people who meet in each other’s homes—any of these forms could work fine.

For now I suggest using this blog, couplesupport.com, as at least a modest vehicle where you and others like you can share your experience and wisdom as well as your questions, so that our journey of marriage and committed relationship can better succeed.

I invite you to participate. Read the blog. At the bottom of any blog post that engages you, click the “comments” link. Then add your thoughts—your experience, suggestions and questions. Add your name and email address—or don’t; you can post anonymously if you need to.

You can also share your comments by writing me at Dr.Sanford@marriagesupport.com. I will use your comments on the blog as much as possible.

I wish in particular to acknowledge those readers of my newspaper column who have emailed me with kind words about what the column has meant to them over the years. I assure you that I will keep on writing, with this blog, for now, as my regular vehicle. I also hope that, in addition to reading the blog regularly, you will contribute your own thoughts to it. If you miss the column, I hope that you will also check out marriagesupport.com

As someone who has supported the column in the past, I ask you to support this blog now, as well as the main site, marriagesupport.com.

It’s true—together we can make a difference.

Comments

[Brian]

Hi David,

I have very similar opinions and feelings regarding the "trek of marriage" (or, as you so eloquently put it: "deeply committed relationships").

Too often I see couples together ... but not with each other. It's sad, and unfortunate ... but something that can (and should) be remedied.

Your idea of creating an open forum is particularly interesting. Relationship advice is something that is often taboo, and I feel that this sort of suppression is quite harmful to those seeking happiness in their relationships.

Being a 23-year-old divorcee has made me re-evaluate my view on relationships, and motivated me to do extensive research on the subject. I wish I would've known of and/or sought out "the existence of these manuals written by professionals" sooner.

An analogy that I have read at some point goes something like this:

Individuals grow up and go to school to study for a career. They sometimes spend upwards of 10 or 12 years in the pursuit of knowledge that they feel will better themselves.

On the flip side of things, individuals on their deathbeds relate that the most important things in their lives have been (and are) their families ... their relationships. Never have I heard someone in this situation state, "Gee, I wish I would've put more overtime in at the office." Far from it! Often times they regret not having spent *enough* time with their loved ones.

Why is that we spend so much time and effort in things that, while important, are trivial in comparison to the joy that can be experienced in a loving relationship? Why not put forth just as much effort (if not more) into learning about what it takes to make your marriage work? Why not devote some time to learn everything you can about that special someone in your life?

...

Anyways, I've been a reader of your blog for about a year or so now and have found your advice to be very warm & non-judgmental --- both of which are key for messages to be delivered effectively on subjects with a tendency to be hush-hush.

It's my hope that an open forum can be established and that others can benefit from 'profession experience' in the way that I have.

Thank you for your efforts,

--Brian

[judy]

i do miss seeing your column in the paper. i read it every week, and sometimes cut it out. i hope we will be able to throw around some thoughts and advice to get through this journey of relationship that is so important and so hard to figure out sometimes.

[David Sanford]

Hi Brian,

You said something really important here; "Why is that we spend so much time and effort in things that, while important, are trivial in comparison to the joy that can be experienced in a loving relationship? Why not put forth just as much effort (if not more) into learning about what it takes to make your marriage work?"

How about telling us something your experiences have taught you about what it does take to make marriage work?

Thanks for writing! I applaud your motivation.

—David Sanford

[David Sanford]

Absolutely, Judy! What is something that you have found hard to figure out about doing relationships? Maybe others have some insights or approaches that have been helpful to them in the area you have in mind.

Thanks much for writing.

—David Sanford

[M. Garland]

I miss your column in the Sunday paper very much. It was the best part of the paper, as far as I'm concerned!

[DR. SIR CHRISTOPHER A GREEN ESQ MD]

I find that my most important part in a couple is keeping that between myself and my partner since we might both have friends in common whom we both need in order to each be rounded persons who together can exist as a couple...

Too Many Cooks In The Soup or Too Many Kooks In The Marriage can leave one homeless and in the soupkitchen line wondering what happened when Too Many People took part in The Couple's Broken Relationship proving it to be not repairable...

Relationship problems belong at home mending and not out with friends...