Couple Support

Your Opportunity to Help Other Couples—and Yourself

Imagine a highly challenging trek, like a trek through the mountains, that remains largely unfamiliar to most people who undertake it, despite the fact that millions of others have made and are making the same journey.

Imagine that more than a few ostensibly practical manuals have been written about the route to be followed and the challenges to be expected along the way. Despite the existence of these manuals written by professionals, many people have found the going difficult, and the failure rate has been high.

Imagine that what these trekkers could really use is the “feet on the ground” experience, wisdom, and encouragement of others who have made the same journey or are currently on that journey themselves.

Imagine that this particular trek is for couples. In some sense, each couple makes the trek by themselves. However, the journey could be made much easier to travel and many more couples would accomplish it, if there was a community of trekkers providing one another with the support along the way that no manual can really provide.

The journey I am talking about is marriage and any deeply committed couple relationship. The way things are now, each couple makes this journey alone—discovers the route alone, encounters difficulties for which they are unprepared alone, experiences discouragement alone, celebrates their victories alone, cherishes their visions alone.

Alone, when so much could be gained were these couples connected to a supportive community of those making the same journey of commitment as themselves.

The community could be email-based, it could have a blog as a center, it could be a community of people who meet in each other’s homes—any of these forms could work fine.

For now I suggest using this blog, couplesupport.com, as at least a modest vehicle where you and others like you can share your experience and wisdom as well as your questions, so that our journey of marriage and committed relationship can better succeed.

I invite you to participate. Read the blog. At the bottom of any blog post that engages you, click the “comments” link. Then add your thoughts—your experience, suggestions and questions. Add your name and email address—or don’t; you can post anonymously if you need to.

You can also share your comments by writing me at Dr.Sanford@marriagesupport.com. I will use your comments on the blog as much as possible.

I wish in particular to acknowledge those readers of my newspaper column who have emailed me with kind words about what the column has meant to them over the years. I assure you that I will keep on writing, with this blog, for now, as my regular vehicle. I also hope that, in addition to reading the blog regularly, you will contribute your own thoughts to it. If you miss the column, I hope that you will also check out marriagesupport.com

As someone who has supported the column in the past, I ask you to support this blog now, as well as the main site, marriagesupport.com.

It’s true—together we can make a difference.

Marriage Question: Could I Get Along with Me?

Imagine how useful it would be if you could experience yourself as your partner experiences you. You would then know what it was like to be on the receiving end of your own behavior, both the positive and the definitely not positive.

Assuming you loved your partner and cared about your partner’s well being, you could then modify some of your behavior—cutting back on the negative and adding to the positive—so that your partner enjoyed living with you more and, incidentally, was more inclined to act similarly toward you. Imagine how much possessing that skill could benefit your relationship!

Unfortunately, you will never experience yourself from the outside and, therefore, never really know what it is like to share a life with you.

However, you can come close. How? One way is to observe your partner closely. If your partner’s manner softens in response to something you have just done, if your partner seems, figuratively speaking, to move closer to you, then you know that the impact of your behavior has been positive. On the other hand, if you do something and your partner draws away from you, say, or speaks harshly toward you, you know that your impact has been negative.

You then may or may not choose to change—that’s up to you—but at least increasing your awareness of your partner’s reaction has given you new information.

You can also go the “would I like that done to me?” route. To use this strategy, you need to sharpen your ability to step outside yourself. This approach may help: Imagine that there is a second you. (You could call this second you “Me2.”) Imagine that Me2 exists outside of you and experiences everything you do to your partner.

Whenever you want to check what it might be like to be on the receiving end of you, jump in your imagination to Me2. From that perspective, ask yourself, ‘What if that were done to me; would I like it?” Chances are that if you wouldn’t like it, your partner probably won’t either.

Do You Like the Role(s) You Play in Your Marriage or Relationship?

You are not going to do well in your marriage or relationship if you don't like your part. It's like the predicament of an actor in a play who can't get into the role that s/he plays and therefore doesn't play it well. Odd then that many of us who don't really don't like ourselves in the marital role that we are playing, do nothing but complain about it and then like ourselves even less.

There are any number of reasons why people don't like themselves in their marriage or relationship role: They are submissive when they don't want to be, nagging when they hate nagging, long suffering in silence, when what they want is a strong, take-charge role.

They are cautious and careful when they want to be spontaneous and take chances. They are slaves to work when they desperately want to play and cold and distant when their impulse - and the role they want to play - is warm and affectionate.

When people don't like themselves in their roles, not only do they do them poorly, but if things don't improve, they almost certainly leave the relationship. They don't necessarily pack up and move out. But they almost certainly withdraw in favor of roles where they like themselves much better. They pour their energy into friendships with friends who like them and encourage them to be themselves. If they are good mothers and fathers then, failing at the marriage, they strive to become even better parents. If they do well at their trade or profession, they stay at work as many hours as possible.

If "I don't like myself in this relationship" is your problem as well, there are steps you can take. You can literally resign from the play (get divorced). You can do what you may already be doing: play your distasteful role as lightly and minimally as possible, while investing yourself wholeheartedly elsewhere.

And a more creative option: You can approach your partner to see if your partner also doesn't like the role that s/he plays in this marriage or relationship. A tip: Don't go to your partner full of blame. Remember: You don't like yourself in the blaming role. Besides, it isn't your partner's fault that you play the role you do. You could quit, you know.

Tell your partner without blame that you simply don't like yourself in the role or roles that you play in the relationship. (E.g., "I hate that I am distant and cold with you, when what I want is to be close and affectionate.") Then find out if - surprise - your partner also doesn't like the roles in which s/he finds herself and see if together you can make changes so that both of you can get to like yourselves more - and succeed better as partners.

Please comment: Describe a role that you sometimes (often?) play in your relationship that you don't like. What role would you like instead?

Marriage Tip: Do What Feeds Your Relationship — Regularly

Are you married? If you are, here’s a question for you: What keeps the marriage going? Maybe you say habit, or fear, or necessity (I don’t have the money to leave.) Maybe it’s principle (It’s against your religion to leave). Maybe it’s convenience. On the other hand, perhaps mutual love sustains your marriage. Let’s look closely at that possibility.

If what sustains your marriage is your love for each other, then it is almost certain that built into the fabric of your relationship are regular moments of special connection - moments of sharing, affection, intimacy, understanding and support. If you are lucky, these moments of special connection happen daily.

If they happen less often, perhaps because of work or physical separation from each other, they at least happen often enough to feed the relationship and remind each of you of the other person’s devotion and the pleasure and meaning that you share.

If you and your partner are striving to build a closer relationship, take a tip from couples that are already doing well: Deliberately design some moments of special connection, then make sure they occur regularly. Schedule them into your daily or weekly life, if you have to.

You and your spouse figure out together the sorts of easily accessible experiences that feed your relationship. Get clear on the elements of such experiences. E.g., one couple might say that the elements were sitting together + occasionally touching each other + taking turns talking and listening about each other’s concerns - but no talking about problems and no criticizing each other.

Call these “nutritious experiences;” they keep the relationship alive. Once you have one or two such experiences figured out, make sure they happen regularly. Stage them if you have to. Carrying them out may be awkward in the beginning but satisfying and eventually easy and natural as the relationship grows stronger and more satisfying.

Couples - Save Your Relationship from General Distraction

Do you know about General Distraction? It is an often overlooked malady that infects most of our lives. Why overlooked? Because we are generally too distracted to notice how distracted we are. Hence General Distraction. We are simply pulled in too many directions — yanked around  by myriad competing demands on our attention. The result is that little in our lives gets the attention it really needs. And that definitely goes for life with our partner.

Like any supposedly growing thing, marriage requires regular feeding for it to do well. Focused positive attention is what makes relationships thrive.

Here is a simple, easy way to combat General Distraction and easily give your relationship the attention it deserves. Do this exercise with your partner:

• Each of you ask your partner, “In a couple of words, tell me how you would most like to be treated by me.” (Expect to hear answers such as - “affectionately,” “with interest,” “sympathetically,” “with respect,” “positively.”

• Once you find out the quality that your partner most wants you to show toward him/her, ask what, for example, you would be doing when you were approaching your partner with respect, interest, good humor, etc.

• With your partner’s help, develop a variety of ways that you could act toward your partner in what your partner tells you would matter a lot to her/him.

• Now the “doing it” part: Each day pick one way in which you will give your partner your focused attention, showing respect, affection, friendliness or whatever else that person wants from you. Your gift to your partner - once every day; that’s all - just once.

Relationship Tip: Deliver All Your Complaints At Once

Chronic complaining is really hard on a relationship. Sometimes it’s the sheer number of complaints that weighs a relationship down. But often it’s not the number; it’s the way that the complaints dribble in all day long.

It starts with the “first thing in the morning” complaint — about having slept badly, then 20 minutes later the complaint about “not even having time for breakfast, damn it” Just before going out the door, it’s a complaint with a wretched sigh — “My God, how am I going to endure that idiot working next to me all day long.

The dribble of complaints resumes with crossing the threshold at the end of the work day: “You won’t believe the traffic; I thought I’d spend the night trying to get home.” Then complaints during the evening: the mess the kids make, “How can you watch those dumb TV programs night after night ,“ ending with something about “What have I got to look for tomorrow? Nothing.”

I hope I exaggerate; about some relationships - I know that I don’t exaggerate.

Here’s an idea. It sounds weird, but I’m serious: You and your partner make a pact. Every evening (say) you will set aside 10 minutes for “focused complaining.” You each get five minutes each. Save up all your complaints during the day. Write them in your Complaint Journal but don’t say a single one until your five minute Complaint Time. Then complain away.

Your partner should stand by and provide a sympathetic echo to your complaints. To the “you won’t believe the traffic” complaint, your partner might say (with energy and sincerity) “That must have been TERRIBLE when all you wanted was to get home!”

Try it. The benefits will become clear very quickly.

Want a Harmonious Marriage? Then Help Each Other Feel Safe

Is there a single piece of practical advise that, if followed, would save any marriage from disaster? Probably not. But here is one that comes as close as any, in my opinion: Understand and respect the areas in which your partner is vulnerable to fear and the areas in which you, too, are vulnerable to fear. Do your best to keep yourself safe and help your partner to do the same.

When we get married, we bring our fears with us, although they may not be on obvious display until we are well into the marriage and our partner does something that sets us off.

You may see your partner flirt with an attractive someone at a party and suddenly experience the fear of being abandoned. When you want to deliver a legitimate complaint, your partner may experience the fear of being judged and refuse to listen to you.

One partner’s fear-driven behavior typically scares the other partner. Arguments full of accusation and passionate defense that generally follow leave both partners even more afraid than before.

Eventually partners get so wary of each other that the relationship becomes crippled. This unhappy outcome is not inevitable, however. Partners avoid it when they understand and accept their own and each other’s fears and work together to make their relationship a zone of safety, They can then afford to be generous and caring toward each other, because each looks out for the other’s welfare.

Steps to a Better Marriage - the Vision, Part 1

A vivid picture of the relationship that you and your partner want, new skills and a strong, shared commitment to the work will take you a long way toward a better life together. How do you develop that vision? Here is one way:

Each of you make a list of the different aspects of the marriage that matter to you and how you would like each to be – e.g., connecting at the end of the day, making plans for the future, caring for the kids, being affectionate, supporting each other’s work life.

Don’t aim for encyclopedic completeness – just enough to get you started thinking about “how I would like us to be with each other”.

With lists in hand, get together and share what you each have so far. Begin to develop an “Our Vision” list compiled from the contributions of each of you.

This meeting is important: It sets the tone for the whole enterprise. That tone should be – cooperative, positive, future-oriented, mutually supportive, accepting – definitely not competitive, fault-finding, fixated on dark times in the past or blaming.

Emphasize general goals that both of you are likely to embrace. Do not demand or expect equal enthusiasm for each item on the couple list that you are developing. For example, if one of you says, “I want us to share some affection every day,” don’t get into an argument about what sort of affection, how much or when. Whatever either of you proposes goes on the “our list,” excepting items that one of you clearly can’t support – to any degree.

Remember: You are at this point producing the general outlines of your shared vision for the relationship as you both want it to be – nothing else. Except, you are also building trust in the possibility of working together. At the close of the meeting, thank each other for being positive and participating.

What’s next? See the following post.

To Build a Better Marriage, Start with a Detailed Image of What You Want

If you and your partner set out to make your relationship better, it would be understandable if you focused primarily on the problems that you wanted to solve. It would be understandable but not the best approach.

To improve your marriage, you need to focus beyond the problems and difficulties that you have with each other. You need a picture of the relationship as you want it to be - the more detailed and vivid a picture the better.

To see only problems is to focus exclusively on the negative. Of course, attending to problems is essential. However, in the absence of a clear direction, it is risky: Couples can easily get lost in their troubles, when troubles is all that they can see.

The “clear direction” that is needed is the picture of the life together that you really want. That positive vision carries energy and hopefulness, which will be very useful when you tackle the difficulties you have been having with each other. From the perspective of the vision you want to realize, problems are obstacles in the way that you are determined to remove – much easier to deal with than problems with no clear vision of anything better.

A vague, general picture of a desired relationship carries little weight when the marriage is in trouble and the problems are large. What you need is a vision so clear and so detailed that someone could practically walk into it and start living.

How can you possibly develop such a vision? We will explore that question in the next post.