Couple Support

Tip for Couples: A Better Use of Your Feelings

When I am upset with you, I either hide my emotions or assault you with them. What I don’t do is share what I am feeling. You are the same way. Unfortunately, when we are upset with each other sharing our feelings is exactly what we should be doing, if we are to resolve our differences.

Neither hiding our feelings nor letting them take over and blasting away at each other helps when we are upset.

Hiding your feelings leaves your partner knowing that something is going on but not being able to work anything out with you, because you won’t acknowledge your condition. Blasting away at your partner usually sends your partner into flight or fight mode; she hides or counterattacks.

Sharing your feelings and assaulting your partner with them are very different. They also affect your partner very differently.

Two positive things happen when you share your feelings, neither of which happens when emotions run wild. You provide your partner with useful information about what is going on with you and why, in a manner that your partner can absorb.

Plus when you share your feelings, you also experience them yourself, not in an out-of-control way—as when, for example, you are thrown into a rage—but in a way that helps you feel stronger and more in command of yourself.

As a relationship counselor and coach, I see a relationship going nowhere when two people blast away at each other in my office. On the other hand, when they manage to stay centered and talk about what they feel with each other, the impact is exactly the opposite. Here are two people genuinely working on the relationship with each other and clearly getting somewhere positive.

Advice for Couples: Don’t Tolerate “Whatever”

There has been a near-epidemic of “whatever” going around. If “whatever” should reach your relationship, stop it at all cost. Don’t let “whatever” take root. In case you have no idea what I am talking about, “whatever” is what some people have gotten in the habit of saying to end discussion. Example: One partner says, “I can’t stand those sarcastic, cutting remarks you make toward me all the time. The other partner responds, “Whatever.”

What’s the problem? Well for one thing “whatever” is usually said in a (yes) sarcastic, cutting (and snide, too!) sort of way. “Whatever” is not a positive or even neutral way of stopping a bad exchange. “Whatever” is not said like “Please, let’s stop.” “Whatever” drips with all sorts of not expressed but clearly implied meanings like “Sure, you jerk” or “You win, for the moment” or “Who cares about what you think.”

“Whatever” is nasty. Like any sarcastic, sidewise remark, it is hard to deal with because the person using “whatever” is not talking straight. Challenge a “whatever” remark, and you are likely to hear back, “You’re too sensitive” or “Just kidding.”

Another problem with “whatever” is that it is often defeatist, when defeat could probably be avoided. When “whatever” is an expression of defeat or hopelessness, the message behind it is apt to be some version of “I can’t get anywhere with you” or “We can’t solve anything—this included.”

Such beliefs should be challenged. When people settle for the belief that change is impossible or that getting through to each other can’t happen, the relationship is stuck and probably won’t get unstuck as long as “whatever” is allowed to stand.

Tip for Couples: Don’t Fall Into the “Talking Heads” Trap

Don’t you get bored with TV news programs that are all talking heads—no footage from the real world, just two commentators in the newsroom going on and on with their opinions? If you do, then consider this: A lot of marriages are just talking heads, too—ultimately just as unsatisfying as a news broadcast where nothing happens.

I’m not knocking conversation; far from it. Exchanging information, making plans, giving feedback—it all involves talking, and that is fine. But the relationship that is all talk and nothing else loses much and sometimes is in danger of drying up altogether and just blowing away.

Against all-talk marriages, consider relationships in which people are also quiet together—quietly reading together in the same room, with occasional smiles back and forth, or quietly walking through the woods holding hands, or snuggling together in bed before sleep—yes a word or two now and then, but mostly just touching, just being renewed by the basic, direct, simple, root-level meaning of being lovingly in each other’s company—and no need to say anything about it.

If the connection between you and your partner seems shaky sometimes, don’t necessarily go for more talk. You can get a deeper and more reassuring contact through your bodies. Go for the senses. Touch each other.

Tip for Couples: Here Is a Better Use for Your Feelings

Do you know this couple? When they are upset with each other, they either hide their emotions or assault each other with them. What they don’t do is tell their feelings to each other. They don’t talk when they are upset. They either yell or disappear. Unfortunately, when this couple is upset with each other, sharing their feelings is exactly what they should be doing, if they hope to keep their relationship safe.

Neither hiding feelings nor letting them take over and blasting away at each other helps. Hiding your feelings leaves your partner knowing that you are upset but unable to work anything out with you, because you are not available. Blasting away at your partner usually sends your partner into flight or fight mode, hiding from you or counterattacking.

Sharing your feelings by talking about them and assaulting your partner with your feelings are very different. They also affect your partner very differently.

Two positive things happen when you share your feelings, neither of which happens when emotions run wild. When you talk your feelings, you provide your partner with useful information about what is going on with you and why, in a manner that your partner can absorb.

Plus when you share your feelings, you also experience them yourself, not in an out-of-control way—as when, for example, you are thrown into a rage—but in a way that helps you feel stronger and more in command of yourself.

As a relationship counselor and coach, I see a relationship going nowhere when two people blast away at each other in my office. On the other hand, when they manage to stay centered and talk with each other about what they feel, the impact is exactly the opposite. Then I see two people both positively connected and working on the relationship with each other.

Use Gestures to Expand Communication with Your Partner

Back in Neanderthal days people didn’t talk much. They mostly communicated by gesture. Waving their arms, stomping their feet, holding their heads, pointing — it was a limited language, but it definitely communicated well. Gesture is direct, basic and often dramatic. Why don’t you try it more?

Sometimes using a direct and basic language, like the language of gesture, is useful. This is obviously the case when you want to make your point in the strongest possible way.

Using gestures can also be helpful when you generally have difficulty being direct or when you get captured by “maybe this, maybe that” indecision and need to be decisive. Gesture is a way of committing yourself to whatever you are saying, as in, “See, I really mean this!”

Here are some possibilities for experimentation:

• When your intention is to speak from your heart, put your hand on your heart; and keep it there while you speak.
• When you are being expansive, throw your arms wide.
• When you are accusing your partner, point your finger at him or her, and wiggle it. Invite your partner to do the same with you. Then share how it feels to be on the receiving end of the accusing finger.
• When you want your partner to stop, extend your hands palm out in front of you, and make a push-away gesture.
• In an argument or discussion, when you are closed , be closed: Cross your arms in front of your chest. Then make a different gesture of your choosing, to communicate a willingness to compromise. Note the effect.

Think of gesture as a strong way of communicating definiteness. Experiment with it.