Couple Support

Tip for Couples: Here Is a Better Use for Your Feelings

Do you know this couple? When they are upset with each other, they either hide their emotions or assault each other with them. What they don’t do is tell their feelings to each other. They don’t talk when they are upset. They either yell or disappear. Unfortunately, when this couple is upset with each other, sharing their feelings is exactly what they should be doing, if they hope to keep their relationship safe.

Neither hiding feelings nor letting them take over and blasting away at each other helps. Hiding your feelings leaves your partner knowing that you are upset but unable to work anything out with you, because you are not available. Blasting away at your partner usually sends your partner into flight or fight mode, hiding from you or counterattacking.

Sharing your feelings by talking about them and assaulting your partner with your feelings are very different. They also affect your partner very differently.

Two positive things happen when you share your feelings, neither of which happens when emotions run wild. When you talk your feelings, you provide your partner with useful information about what is going on with you and why, in a manner that your partner can absorb.

Plus when you share your feelings, you also experience them yourself, not in an out-of-control way—as when, for example, you are thrown into a rage—but in a way that helps you feel stronger and more in command of yourself.

As a relationship counselor and coach, I see a relationship going nowhere when two people blast away at each other in my office. On the other hand, when they manage to stay centered and talk with each other about what they feel, the impact is exactly the opposite. Then I see two people both positively connected and working on the relationship with each other.

Don’t React Blindly. Find Your Stance and Follow It

You have a choice in the way you respond to what your partner says to you, even when s/he is speaking harshly. You don’t have to simply open your mouth and react. Few of us are at our best or most persuasive when we are in a shoot-from-the-hip frame of mind. Instead of reacting blindly, think choice, and then consciously pick the stance you are going to assume and speak from it.

Here are four common stances that you could assume in response to harsh, critical statements from your partner. They are - the stoic, the combatant, the seeker for understanding, and the helper.

When you assume the stoic stance, you just sit there silently and take whatever your partner has to dish out. You know from experience that it is going to end eventually. Your stance is the arguing or even objecting makes matters worse; so you stay silent.

In the combatant stance you behave the opposite of the stoic. You figure that a strong offense is the best defense. You see your partner’s behavior as deliberately hurtful, and you won’t take it. Any critical statement your partner makes you challenge. Anything nasty that is said to you, you say back twice as strong.

In the understanding stance, you seek to avoid taking offense, by experiencing the words that are being said to you as about your partner, rather than about. (“She is telling me about her experience and her feelings,” you tell yourself. “I don’t need to feel attacked by what she says.”)

When your stance is that of the one who seeks to understand, you don’t argue about the facts, you don’t defend yourself, you don’t dispute. You listen, and you ask questions. You want to find out what your partner experienced and how she felt, so that you can understand where she is coming from in talking to you the way that she is.

The helper stance is similar to that of the person who seeks understanding. While your partner is criticizing you, you are busy striving to find out what he wants — the unmet need or desire behind the frustration you hear in your partner’s complaints. “What do you wish I had done instead?” you ask. “What would help you feel better now?”

There are advantages and disadvantages to each of these stances. The main thing is to know that you don’t need to blindly react to what your partner says to you. You have options. There are different stances you can take. Choose one.

Marriage How-To: Have a Fair Fight

Couple disputes, arguments and fights are all forms of conversation: two people talking, both wanting to get heard. When these rough and tumble conversations fail, it isn’t because they have gotten loud and impassioned. Inevitably, the problem is that, while both people has much to say, neither is listening to the other.

If you want to have an argument, dispute or fight that works for both of you, you must have some rules and follow them – not fussy rules, rules that create a level playing field, permit both people to participate and to come out at the end with some sense of satisfaction.

At the head of the short list of essential rules for a fair fight is – take turns: You speak, then you listen to the other person, well enough to be able to repeat the gist of what that person is saying.

Other essential rules: No overpowering your partner by shouting or cutting that person off. No intimidation and no personal insults. These rules are meant to create a safe space where both partners feel free to express themselves and agree to treat each other respectfully.

If you feel that this emphasis on rules and fighting fair takes all the fun out of going at it with your partner, consider the possibility that this “fun” is seldom shared by both participants. Fighting without rules is more like one person flexing his/her muscles and the other person taking it on the chin.

Marriage Tip: Avoid Triggering Your Partner’s Anger

You know what a trigger is - it’s the part of the gun that, when you squeeze it, the gun goes off. BOOM. Relationship triggers work the same way. You or your partner does something (the trigger) that predictably gets the other person angry, and s/he explodes.

The trigger could be a subject (e.g., her criticism of his mother) or a manner of speaking (e.g., his accusatory finger while he criticizes her). It could be a matter of timing (e.g., her waking him up in the middle of the night – to talk). Or it could be all sorts of other behavior that one partner has clearly said, “Please don’t do that any more,” and the other partner has gone ahead and done it – way more than once.

The partner being “shot at” understandably concludes – you either can’t or won’t learn, you are deliberately looking for a fight, or you just like to torment me. Whichever it is, s/he feels very much disrespected, and the relationship suffers.

The partner given to pulling the trigger needs to find out why s/he behaves this way. Assuming that there is a grievance behind this uncaring behavior s/he needs to bring the grievance up straight on, rather than continue with actions that cause trouble and solve nothing.

Success in stopping the provocative, “trigger-happy” behavior will have much to do with whether or not the other partner allows an alternative way of expressing displeasure. We all need to be heard, and when partners listen respectfully to each other, trigger behavior usually doesn’t occur.

In Marriage Sympathetic Understanding Lessens Fear

When your partner’s behavior scares you, what can you do? 1) You can pretend indifference – It doesn’t bother me. (This usually involves some form of withdrawing from your partner – not a good option.) 2) You can work on yourself until your fear is under control. (An excellent option, but not most people’s choice.) 3) Or you can control your fear by controlling your partner - or trying to. (Many people’s first choice: Hard on the relationship though. )

Example: Tracy reminds her husband, Bill, that this is her night out. She is going to visit with Beth, whom she hasn’t seen for a long time. Tracy’s decision worries Bill. Beth is recently divorced and bitter toward men. Bill is convinced that Beth in particular does not like him.

Bill tells Tracy that she isn’t to go. They quarrel. Tracy is determined that nobody is going to tell her what to do. The hotter she gets, the more worried Bill becomes. It is a bad scene. Tracy storms out. Bill’s angry threats follow her.

On the other hand, if Tracy and Bill had taken the pains to build a really trusting relationship, Bill might have confessed to his wife that he was afraid that her friend, Beth, would bad mouth him and maybe even influence Tracy to leave the marriage.

Beth would not have ridiculed Bill’s fear. Instead she would have been sympathetic – not to Bill’s viewpoint, which she thought was completely unfounded, but to the painfulness of it for him.

The fact that Tracy met Bill’s fear with understanding in itself made Bill feel more secure. She might also have volunteered that she would not even talk about their marriage with Beth, or Bill might have asked for that reassurance, and Tracy might have granted it.

Look at the difference: In the first instance, two threatened people scare each other even more. In the second instance, the same two people work together to solve a problem: She wants to visit with her friend, and he wants to feel secure in their marriage. Each partner helps the other get what s/he needs. The marriage is tested and comes out healthy and strong.

The Relationship Dance - Are You Partly Responsible for Your Partner’s Behavior?

Your partner is so prickly with you! She is so ready to hear “control” in anything you ask her to do. Whatever you ask her to do, she does the opposite. Your partner reminds you of nothing so much as a rebellious adolescent.

How disagreeable of her! I sympathize. Have you ever considered, though,  that she way she is with you might be partly because of how you are with her? 

Let’s ask your partner about you. She says that you are overbearing, controlling, sometimes even threatening. She says that you act just like her father.

The rebellious adolescent and the parent: Whenever you see a couple stuck in interlocking roles like these, you can be virtually certain that, even though they may not know it, they are “dancing together”  each influencing the behavior of the other.

How can you end the dance? You must stop blaming your partner for the way s/he is behaving long enough to self-focus and ask yourself the magic questions that can break the spell: “How is my behavior influencing his/hers? What is my part in this?”

When you see how your behavior influences your partner’s behavior, you can change yours. You can step away from the dance. Without your participation, the dance must end.

Helping Each Other Avoid Responsibility

Partners that fight all the time feel divided and alone – one against the other. Each feels victimized and demands that the other accept responsibility. The irony is that their behavior both unites them and guarantees that neither is going to give what the other wants.

They are a well-functioning team – working together to insure that neither has to accept any responsibility. Amazing irony.

It is all done through mutual blame. We are in trouble. I blame you, you blame me, each of us denies and defends. As long as we keep it up, we stay stuck. But, hey, it’s better than saying, “Yes, I’m partly at fault here, and I going to take responsibility for my part.”

At least that is the way most couples in conflict act – better this than looking hard at our own behavior.

The way out is simple but challenging. Mutual blame is a two-person activity: It ends when one person stops participating. Deliberately ceasing to blame your partner is a courageous act – and a powerful one that shifts everything.

Try this: You and your partner are fighting, each doing your “yeah but” best to defend yourself and nail the other person.

You stop. You say, “I can’t hear you and fight, too. What do you want me to understand?” Your partner tells you. You rephrase what your partner has said to you, to make sure that you get it. (“You feel that I…”) Then you say some version of  – “I think you are at least partly right. I apologize for my part in this.” Period.

You don’t say any anything in defense of yourself. If your partner still wants to fight, you don’t participate. You are finished. The end.

There is a worthy experiment here. Try it out. Then let us know what happens.

Think “Soft Moments” and “Hard Moments”

“Soft” and “hard” are useful distinctions for understanding – and improving – your relationship. “Soft” is open, accessible, cooperative, friendly, gentle, vulnerable. “Hard” is closed, remote, combative, unfriendly, harsh.

Most likely you and your partner – in personality and mood - are each mixtures of hard and soft. Your behavior toward each other is sometimes hard and sometimes soft.

An always-soft somebody would be always present in a “whatever you want” sort of way – having little separateness, lacking in boundaries, unprotected. An always-hard somebody would scarcely be in relationship – all separateness, all rigid “I” – no “I’m available” to relate to.

Troubled relationships are frequently hardened ones. Partners, having hurt each other a lot, have learned to hide their softness and vulnerability from each other. These couples are mostly either remote from each other (“Staying separate is the best way to stay safe”) or harsh and combative (“Anticipating attack and ready to defend yourself is the best way to stay safe”).

Here are some tips for making your relationship more safe for softness – i.e., more open, more friendly – more loving:

• Nurture your own vulnerability so that you don’t have to be hard and harsh when you are with your partner. E.g., stay separate and seek rest when you are exhausted.
• Be sympathetically aware of your partner’s vulnerable areas and avoid behavior that threatens them unnecessarily
• Become aware of the pattern in which one of you, perhaps inadvertently, says something that hurts the other person, who immediately closes up and becomes defensive and combative.
• Be sensitive to those communication moments in which your partner is relatively soft, open and reaching out to you. At such moments do your best to do nothing that would cause your partner to shut down. See how long the openness beween you can continue.

What are your tips for couple communication that stays soft and open? Please comment.

If It Isn’t Working - Stop

It’s amazing how willing most of us are to keep trying an approach with our partner that isn’t working. The less it’s working, the more determined we are to keep at it until it does.

I have a key that I think ought to unlock a certain door. It doesn’t. I may try that key a couple times, but then I will stop – recognizing that it’s the wrong key. It isn’t going to work.

On the other hand, when the method I’m using to get my partner to open up fails repeatedly, do I stop and try another approach? No, I stick with the key that won’t open the door – and watch things get worse and worse.

Try a different approach. If it is the right approach, it will work. Or it may work because of the novelty effect alone: The fact that it is so diffrerent from your customary approach may be all that is needed.

And it may be that your approach doesn’t work, but it’s not working may provide you with new information and lead you in a direction that does work.

On the other hand, you don’t want to abandon an approach until you have given it a fair chance. How long is a fair chance? When do you know when it’s time to quit and try something different?

Here are some guidelines:

• Stop the approach that you are using when you are no longer thinking clearly. If you are getting increasingly furious or desperate, do nothing until you are in possession of yourself again.
• Stop what you are doing if your partner is getting furious or desperate.
• Stop if your partner has clearly said no and you are beginning to behave coercively.
• Stop if it becomes clear that, although your partner might give in, the consequences for the relationship will be worse than if you had stopped earlier.
• Stop when you are bored or really discouraged. What you are doing has failed. The fact that you don’t know what would succeed better is no reason to keep this approach going. There are benefits to simple surrender. Good changes can come about without your making them happen.

What the Couples Counselor Does - Do Yourselves

A fair amount of what even a good couples counselor or coach contributes is basically very simple and doesn’t require a lot of skill. Specifically he doesn’t take sides, and he listens.

The fact that the couples counselor or coach stands outside the action and has no position to promote means that he can understand and empathize with both partners. The fact that he has no position to argue also means that he is free to listen openly and fully.

Because of her position, the counselor or coach picks up all sorts of useful information that is not available to the couple. They are busy advocating for or defending themselves, which means that they are not listening to each other and, therefore, are pretty much fighting blindly.

The counselor or coach knows more and is more effective not because he is inherently wiser or more sensitive than the couple but because, unlike them, he is not imprisoned by a position. He is available to listen and to learn, and can help the couple in ways that they, immersed in their argument, can’t help themselves.

So the couple pays him money for his listening ability, his information, his perspectives and the options for action that he can offer.

Assuming the couple wants to improve their relationship, what can they do? They can continue to see this counselor or coach for a very long time. They can entice her to move in with them (I have had more than one couple ask me to move in!).

Or they can each learn to do what the counselor or coach does. Taking turns, they can step back from the action, set aside their own positions temporarily, make themselves available and, as if they were the coach or counselor, listen deeply to each other, seeking understanding.

Learning how to do all that may be challenging, but it sure beats keeping the counselor or coach around forever. And anyway he or she is not going to move with the two of you and make you well.

If You Fight First Identify Yourself

If you and your partner are going to fight, at least identify yourself – not your name nor the fact that you are upset. What does need to be shared is where you are coming from – principally your feelings – named and explained.

Consider this example: “Before we got married, you assured me that you wanted to have children. Now you are expressing doubts. The way you talk leaves me feeling scared and insecure and very upset with you – like you are breaking a solemn promise to me.”

The person who makes this statement has clearly emphasized what is bothering her and been articulate about it. Her controlled behavior gives her partner no excuse for dodging the issue and focusing on her delivery instead. He may refuse to talk straight with her anyway. However, if she lets her fear take control and rants and raves at her partner, guaranteed – the main issue will not get discussed.

If you want to be heard and understood, you have to be in control of yourself and able to describe your experience when you speak.

Yes, you will lose the possible benefit of spontaneous rage carrying you into battle against your reluctance to fight. Yes, figuring out where you are coming from and how to put it into words may take some time and be challenging for you.

However, when you do speak, it will be with the authority and self-respect of someone who has worked to master himself. It will also provide you with probably your best chance of being heard.