Partners that fight all the time feel divided and alone – one against the other. Each feels victimized and demands that the other accept responsibility. The irony is that their behavior both unites them and guarantees that neither is going to give what the other wants.
They are a well-functioning team – working together to insure that neither has to accept any responsibility. Amazing irony.
It is all done through mutual blame. We are in trouble. I blame you, you blame me, each of us denies and defends. As long as we keep it up, we stay stuck. But, hey, it’s better than saying, “Yes, I’m partly at fault here, and I going to take responsibility for my part.”
At least that is the way most couples in conflict act – better this than looking hard at our own behavior.
The way out is simple but challenging. Mutual blame is a two-person activity: It ends when one person stops participating. Deliberately ceasing to blame your partner is a courageous act – and a powerful one that shifts everything.
Try this: You and your partner are fighting, each doing your “yeah but” best to defend yourself and nail the other person.
You stop. You say, “I can’t hear you and fight, too. What do you want me to understand?” Your partner tells you. You rephrase what your partner has said to you, to make sure that you get it. (“You feel that I…”) Then you say some version of – “I think you are at least partly right. I apologize for my part in this.” Period.
You don’t say any anything in defense of yourself. If your partner still wants to fight, you don’t participate. You are finished. The end.
There is a worthy experiment here. Try it out. Then let us know what happens.
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