Couple Support

Marriage Question: Could I Get Along with Me?

Imagine how useful it would be if you could experience yourself as your partner experiences you. You would then know what it was like to be on the receiving end of your own behavior, both the positive and the definitely not positive.

Assuming you loved your partner and cared about your partner’s well being, you could then modify some of your behavior—cutting back on the negative and adding to the positive—so that your partner enjoyed living with you more and, incidentally, was more inclined to act similarly toward you. Imagine how much possessing that skill could benefit your relationship!

Unfortunately, you will never experience yourself from the outside and, therefore, never really know what it is like to share a life with you.

However, you can come close. How? One way is to observe your partner closely. If your partner’s manner softens in response to something you have just done, if your partner seems, figuratively speaking, to move closer to you, then you know that the impact of your behavior has been positive. On the other hand, if you do something and your partner draws away from you, say, or speaks harshly toward you, you know that your impact has been negative.

You then may or may not choose to change—that’s up to you—but at least increasing your awareness of your partner’s reaction has given you new information.

You can also go the “would I like that done to me?” route. To use this strategy, you need to sharpen your ability to step outside yourself. This approach may help: Imagine that there is a second you. (You could call this second you “Me2.”) Imagine that Me2 exists outside of you and experiences everything you do to your partner.

Whenever you want to check what it might be like to be on the receiving end of you, jump in your imagination to Me2. From that perspective, ask yourself, ‘What if that were done to me; would I like it?” Chances are that if you wouldn’t like it, your partner probably won’t either.

You Are Both Doing the Best that You Can

Try this on as your operating assumption for you and your partner dealing with each other: You are both good people, and you are both doing the best that you can.

To you, this may look ridiculous on the face of it. Your partner may be a good person, you figure; but you KNOW that your partner is not doing the best that s/he can!

To make it easy for yourself, start with accepting the first proposition: My partner is a good person, and I am a good person Presumably you know that you are a good person; so it shouldn't be that difficult to assume that your partner is as well.

Here is the application: If you accept that your partner is a good person, then you must never permit yourself to demonize that person and to attribute to him/her motives and intentions that are not "good person" motives and intentions, such as deliberately intending to hurt you or do you wrong.

The "we are doing the best that we can" proposition is admittedly more challenging to accept, particularly because you know that your partner—and you— are capable of better and have demonstrated that in the past. Fine. But how about this: At the moment that your partner did whatever irked or angered or hurt you, s/he WAS doing the best that s/he could (maybe because s/he was hampered by feeling attacked by you, by being overly tired, by being stressed.)

If you accept that your partner ALWAYS does the best that at that moment that s/he can, then your job is 1) to refrain from judgment and 2) to make it easier for your partner to do better—i.e., help your partner to out, perhaps by holding off on a provocative statement of your own, or waiting for a better moment to speak up.

Don’t React Blindly. Find Your Stance and Follow It

You have a choice in the way you respond to what your partner says to you, even when s/he is speaking harshly. You don’t have to simply open your mouth and react. Few of us are at our best or most persuasive when we are in a shoot-from-the-hip frame of mind. Instead of reacting blindly, think choice, and then consciously pick the stance you are going to assume and speak from it.

Here are four common stances that you could assume in response to harsh, critical statements from your partner. They are - the stoic, the combatant, the seeker for understanding, and the helper.

When you assume the stoic stance, you just sit there silently and take whatever your partner has to dish out. You know from experience that it is going to end eventually. Your stance is the arguing or even objecting makes matters worse; so you stay silent.

In the combatant stance you behave the opposite of the stoic. You figure that a strong offense is the best defense. You see your partner’s behavior as deliberately hurtful, and you won’t take it. Any critical statement your partner makes you challenge. Anything nasty that is said to you, you say back twice as strong.

In the understanding stance, you seek to avoid taking offense, by experiencing the words that are being said to you as about your partner, rather than about. (“She is telling me about her experience and her feelings,” you tell yourself. “I don’t need to feel attacked by what she says.”)

When your stance is that of the one who seeks to understand, you don’t argue about the facts, you don’t defend yourself, you don’t dispute. You listen, and you ask questions. You want to find out what your partner experienced and how she felt, so that you can understand where she is coming from in talking to you the way that she is.

The helper stance is similar to that of the person who seeks understanding. While your partner is criticizing you, you are busy striving to find out what he wants — the unmet need or desire behind the frustration you hear in your partner’s complaints. “What do you wish I had done instead?” you ask. “What would help you feel better now?”

There are advantages and disadvantages to each of these stances. The main thing is to know that you don’t need to blindly react to what your partner says to you. You have options. There are different stances you can take. Choose one.

Couples Counseling Is Like Dancing School

I sometimes tell new couples who come for counseling that what I am running is something like a dancing school. You come here because you can’t dance together well and would like to do better. I‘m using an analogy, in many ways a good one.

Couples often come to counseling blaming each other for the poor condition of the relationship. The problem is not us; it’s one of us alone, and almost always that one person is — you.

The dancing school analogy gets the couple to consider that the real problem is our failure to work well together in the way we communicate and, usually, in just about every aspect of the relationship, too — rather than what one of us is doing to the other.

The way “we” dance is too clumsy, too harsh; we’re too out of touch with each other and possibly with the music, too. We have too little sense of our individual selves, of each other — and the two of us as the couple dancing.

If the “couples relationship/dancing couple” analogy makes sense to the couple, they will begin to understand and make room for the particular talents of each of them so that they work together more easily and more smoothly. They will talk about the “dance” of their communication and what each asks of the other to make communication “the two us moving easily through the dance of talking together.” Best of all, they will stop blaming each other and begin to focus on the third “person” present — the “we” that they make together.

Advice for Couples: Don’t Mix Complaints and Requests

Your time and energy are valuable. If you are going to spend both trying to get through to your partner, aim for success: Be clear about your intentions when you speak. Know what you want to accomplish. In particular, don’t mix complaints and requests.

        When one angry or upset partner tells the other what is bothering him/her, the statement typically is a mix of lecture and implied or stated request. E.g., “I detest coming down in the morning and seeing yesterday’s dishes piled up in the sink. Haven’t you got eyes? Don’t you care?” (Mixed in with the criticism and stated or implied, “Please cooperate with me about cleanup.”)

        Invariably, the person on the receiving end misses the request and pays sole attention to the diatribe. That is a shame because hearing and responding to the request might lead to a solution to the dishes problem. On the other hand, the lecture will only generate an argument, and nothing useful will result.

        Solution: Split the complaint and the request. If you really need to complain, do so in one conversation. Then later on, in another conversation, state your request.

        Better still, skip the complaint altogether, if what you really want is a solution to the dishes problem, and you are willing to skip dumping on your partner, if doing so will help finding the solution.

        Refer to what you don’t want any more in a quiet and measured way; then go directly to your request. E.g., “The dishes were still in the sink when I came down this morning. I’d like them washed the night before. Can we cooperate about getting that done?”    

Tip for Couples: Make It Easy to Ask

If you want something from your partner, you ask for it. Easy, right? Apparently not, because lots of people who want, never do ask. Instead they sulk, get angry about not receiving what they never bothered to ask for or do for themselves but resent it. What is this not-asking behavior about?

Here are some possibilities: 1) Asking, explaining yourself, maybe discussing the matter, getting an answer and then sometimes enduring a “no” response is what you have to put up elsewhere in life. Some people figure that when you are a couple you shouldn’t have to ask. “You should know what I need” is what is often said.

2) The “I’d rather do it myself than have to ask you” attitude is likely to be held by people who have an antipathy to being either assertive or dependent. Asking straight on for what you want or need does carry a message of self-acceptance and self-valuing – assertive attitudes that, for a variety of reasons, some people can’t manage.

For some, asking – which acknowledges a desire or a need – puts them too close to dependency, which – again for a variety of reasons – they may fear admitting.

When you do want something from your partner and yet won’t say so, you do go without and that does set you up for resentment. In couple relationships people do tend to communicate their resentment – if not in words, then through body language or a display of feelings.

Here is a classic “everybody loses” situation. The partner who wanted goes without. The partner who “didn’t know that you wanted” gets punished for not providing.

A better way: Work it out with your partner so that either of you can ask for what you want, the other person is allowed to say no if that is where s/he is at, and you both agree to respect that right in each other.

Marriage How-To: Have a Fair Fight

Couple disputes, arguments and fights are all forms of conversation: two people talking, both wanting to get heard. When these rough and tumble conversations fail, it isn’t because they have gotten loud and impassioned. Inevitably, the problem is that, while both people has much to say, neither is listening to the other.

If you want to have an argument, dispute or fight that works for both of you, you must have some rules and follow them – not fussy rules, rules that create a level playing field, permit both people to participate and to come out at the end with some sense of satisfaction.

At the head of the short list of essential rules for a fair fight is – take turns: You speak, then you listen to the other person, well enough to be able to repeat the gist of what that person is saying.

Other essential rules: No overpowering your partner by shouting or cutting that person off. No intimidation and no personal insults. These rules are meant to create a safe space where both partners feel free to express themselves and agree to treat each other respectfully.

If you feel that this emphasis on rules and fighting fair takes all the fun out of going at it with your partner, consider the possibility that this “fun” is seldom shared by both participants. Fighting without rules is more like one person flexing his/her muscles and the other person taking it on the chin.

Marriage Tip: When There's a Problem Somebody Own It

The first step in solving a relationship problem is to decide who has it. People will say, "There"s a problem here."  No there isn't. Either I have the problem, or you have the problem, or we have the problem. It's somebody's problem, and avoiding naming it as mine, yours or ours only prevents the problem getting solved.

People who are intent on avoiding conflict at all cost will often be reluctant to say "I have a problem" when the implication is - my problem is with you, and I want you to change something. Folks who have difficulty being assertive are also unlikely to own their problem and be clear about it.

Saying "You have the problem,"  means " it's your problem and not mine. Being this clear about boundaries (me on one side, you and your problem on the other side) is difficult for many of us, particularly if we expect ourselves to be loving and helpful all the time. Saying or even implying "It's not my problem"  sounds uncaring, even when it isn't meant to be at all.

Actually, if it is either my problem or your problem, we need to deal with it ourselves and not expect the other person to rescue us from what is our own responsibility. On the other hand, it's fine to ask your partner to help with your problem, as long as you own that it is yours, and your partner is free to refuse if s/he doesn't want to help

In many cases, if the problem is my problem with you, your problem with me or otherwise truly a shared problem, then the best route is to name it as "our problem."  A good rule is that if either of us has a problem with the other, it is definitely a shared problem " definitely our problem. To do otherwise is basically to refuse any responsibility for what is obviously a problem within our relationship. Not a good idea.

Can't Make That Tough Decision? Here's Maybe Why

The fact that you've got a really tough, important decision to make doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to make it. Some people never make the tough decisions. They simply adjust to whatever reality not deciding brings them. Suffering the consequences  turns out to be preferable to taking the big step. But why?

Here are some reasons why people fail to make decision that really matter. Let's use a common issue - deciding to get divorced when, for you, the marriage is over and you deeply want out.

You might fail to take that step despite deeply wanting to do so because -

* You haven't really given yourself permission to act. Your style is to endure. You don't like enduring, but it is what you know how to do. Deciding and acting on your decision is so unknown - it's feels like jumping from a plane with no parachute. You can't bring yourself to do it.

* You have a powerful "should" that keeps you from acting on your decision. In the divorce example your "should" might be "I should be a good person who never hurts anyone." Divorce will hurt your spouse badly. So even though you believe that divorce will ultimately be best for both of you, you can't do it.

* You have a personal requirement that big decisions require 100 per cent certainty. You are understandably somewhat ambivalent about this decision. You can't resolve your ambivalence and can't act against your 100 per cent rule.

* The "you" that needs to act is actually two different voices inside yourself that have different views of what is best. These different voices are not talking with each other. The stronger voice is definite about divorce. The no-divorce voice is too weak to prevail but strong enough to prevent action.

With all of these no-action possibilities, you need to understand the conflict within yourself and work your way toward a resolution. Let each viewpoint express itself fully, perhaps in writing, then look at each viewpoint critically and, despite the scare involved, make your decision - and act.

Who Has Permission to Do What and Why?

Who Has Permission to Do What and Why?

In your marriage does your husband have permission to criticize how you spend money, but you can't criticize how he does? Do you have permission to tell him that the clothes he is wearing don't look right, but he certainly can't ever say that to you?

Whether or not you and your partner have this particular set of permissions, you almost certainly have some. And almost always they are different permissions for one partner than for the other.

How do permissions get to be permissions? It is quite unlikely that the hypothetical husband asked for permission to criticize his wife's spending. He didn't asked, "Is it okay if I routinely object to your spending?" And she didn't answer, Sure. No problem."

Most permissions come about because one person assumed, and the other really didn't mind or acquiesced.

Every couple has their particular set of permissions. If all the permissions belong to one person, that person is boss, plain and simple. And almost certainly, the person who has no permissions has, in one way or another, dropped out - and really isn't there any more.

Take a look at who has what permissions in your relationship. If yours and your partner's permissions are more or less equal, no problem. If one of you has lots of permissions and the other few or none, you may well have a relationship problem that needs confronting.

If you or your partner has for a long time been silently upset about a permission that the other person has taken for himself or herself, challenge it. "I don't like your doing that. Please don't do it any more." If your challenge goes nowhere, consider giving yourself the same permission. Things may get livelier at home for a bit - but something that really wasn't fair may get changed in the process.

Please comment: Tell us about the permissions in your relationship.

Change or You Will Lose Sight of Each Other

Eventually what doesn’t change is not seen any more. This is as true for you and your partner as it is for that old couch in the living room. If you want to avoid invisibility, make sure you build regular change into the relationship.

Stare for a long time at a blank wall, and eventually you won’t even see it, unless you deliberately look for some variation in its blankness. On your customary drive to work each day, be the passenger for a change, and you’ll see things you never noticed before. Why? Because the routine is interrupted, and some novelty gets introduced.

The same applies to anything seen or otherwise experienced - including your experience of your partner or your partner’s experience of you.

Unless you believe that somehow the relationship can be healthy when you are basically invisible to each other, you had better pay attention to the potential need in yours and every relationship for novelty.

The culprit here is likely to be routine. Routines exist to save time and energy. They do it by allowing you to do the same thing the same way over and over, without your having to pay attention. Do that to your marriage or other relationship long enough, and, believe me, the 
relationship and your partner will pretty much disappear from awareness.

Here are some suggestions for introducing novelty (change) into the relationship: 1) Every day find something new to share with your partner in the evening. 2) Ask a new question of each other each day. 3) Join each other in new circumstances. E.g., go horseback riding; take a Spanish class together. 4) Turn routines on their heads. E.g., where you always agree, decide this time to disagree. 5) Go on a weekly “surprise outing.” Take turns orchestrating it – each one a surprise activity for the other person or a surprise location.

Want a Successful Marriage? Learn Relationship Skills

Want a Successful Marriage? Learn Relationship Skills

You have no doubt noticed: Serious relationships take a lot of skill. In marriage, or any committed couple relationship, you are dealing  close quarters with someone whose wants and needs can be  challengingly different from your own.

Quite possibly, you and your partner both bring powerful expectations  to the relationship that you will be loved and accepted, heard and  respected, and your needs and wants met – otherwise why get married.  Right?

Two adults with sometimes conflicting wants and needs living in close  quarters: Skills are obviously needed - skills of compromise,  negotiation, understanding, generosity, empathy, respect,  cooperation, plus others of equal weight: the sort they don’t teach  you in school. But you better get them somewhere, if you want the  relationship to succeed.

Unfortunately, several factors work against us paying sufficient  individual attention to the relationship skills that we clearly need.

The first factor is the assumption that many of us carry that the  weight falls on our partner to care for us, more than the other way  around. Unless this assumption is recognized and challenged, we may  not take seriously our own need for skills we plainly don’t have yet.

The second factor is the competitive nature of our couple  relationships. We get angry and resentful about the manner in which  our partner treats us. Seeing ourselves as victim, we see our  partner’s presumed bad intentions toward us as the problem, when what  we really need to do is drop the mutual accusations – and focus on  skills. What don’t we do well? And how can we learn?

Ask for What You Want

Even in the best of relationships, you often have to speak up to get what you want. Want a hug? Ask for it. If, like many people, your operating rule is “I shouldn't have to ask for it; you should know what I need” - be prepared to go without. Even the best of us live in our self-involved bubbles a lot of the time.

The fact that your wants and needs are sometimes missed doesn't mean that your partner doesn't love you - only that he was preoccupied at the wrong moment (or just not one to initiate, as in the case of who always asks for sex. But that's a topic all by itself.)

On the other hand, if your partner is chronically inattentive, if what you need is right there on the surface, not hidden inside yourself somewhere and still not seen, then yes you've got an issue worth talking about with your partner. After all, seeing is an attribute of love. If your partner chronically does not see you, then your “I don't feel loved by you” should be taken seriously by both of you.

But don't simply complain. You risk a defensive argument that is unlikely to bring the changes that you want. Instead talk together about the importance of each of you seeing the other. Perhaps your partner doesn't feel seen either, and you can both make some useful changes.

In the meantime, speak up for what you want, and don't let the fact that you asked for it rob you of enjoying whatever your partner then gives you.

Want a Harmonious Marriage? Then Help Each Other Feel Safe

Is there a single piece of practical advise that, if followed, would save any marriage from disaster? Probably not. But here is one that comes as close as any, in my opinion: Understand and respect the areas in which your partner is vulnerable to fear and the areas in which you, too, are vulnerable to fear. Do your best to keep yourself safe and help your partner to do the same.

When we get married, we bring our fears with us, although they may not be on obvious display until we are well into the marriage and our partner does something that sets us off.

You may see your partner flirt with an attractive someone at a party and suddenly experience the fear of being abandoned. When you want to deliver a legitimate complaint, your partner may experience the fear of being judged and refuse to listen to you.

One partner’s fear-driven behavior typically scares the other partner. Arguments full of accusation and passionate defense that generally follow leave both partners even more afraid than before.

Eventually partners get so wary of each other that the relationship becomes crippled. This unhappy outcome is not inevitable, however. Partners avoid it when they understand and accept their own and each other’s fears and work together to make their relationship a zone of safety, They can then afford to be generous and caring toward each other, because each looks out for the other’s welfare.

What the Couples Counselor Does - Do Yourselves

A fair amount of what even a good couples counselor or coach contributes is basically very simple and doesn’t require a lot of skill. Specifically he doesn’t take sides, and he listens.

The fact that the couples counselor or coach stands outside the action and has no position to promote means that he can understand and empathize with both partners. The fact that he has no position to argue also means that he is free to listen openly and fully.

Because of her position, the counselor or coach picks up all sorts of useful information that is not available to the couple. They are busy advocating for or defending themselves, which means that they are not listening to each other and, therefore, are pretty much fighting blindly.

The counselor or coach knows more and is more effective not because he is inherently wiser or more sensitive than the couple but because, unlike them, he is not imprisoned by a position. He is available to listen and to learn, and can help the couple in ways that they, immersed in their argument, can’t help themselves.

So the couple pays him money for his listening ability, his information, his perspectives and the options for action that he can offer.

Assuming the couple wants to improve their relationship, what can they do? They can continue to see this counselor or coach for a very long time. They can entice her to move in with them (I have had more than one couple ask me to move in!).

Or they can each learn to do what the counselor or coach does. Taking turns, they can step back from the action, set aside their own positions temporarily, make themselves available and, as if they were the coach or counselor, listen deeply to each other, seeking understanding.

Learning how to do all that may be challenging, but it sure beats keeping the counselor or coach around forever. And anyway he or she is not going to move with the two of you and make you well.