Couple Support

Marriage Tip: When There's a Problem Somebody Own It

The first step in solving a relationship problem is to decide who has it. People will say, "There"s a problem here."  No there isn't. Either I have the problem, or you have the problem, or we have the problem. It's somebody's problem, and avoiding naming it as mine, yours or ours only prevents the problem getting solved.

People who are intent on avoiding conflict at all cost will often be reluctant to say "I have a problem" when the implication is - my problem is with you, and I want you to change something. Folks who have difficulty being assertive are also unlikely to own their problem and be clear about it.

Saying "You have the problem,"  means " it's your problem and not mine. Being this clear about boundaries (me on one side, you and your problem on the other side) is difficult for many of us, particularly if we expect ourselves to be loving and helpful all the time. Saying or even implying "It's not my problem"  sounds uncaring, even when it isn't meant to be at all.

Actually, if it is either my problem or your problem, we need to deal with it ourselves and not expect the other person to rescue us from what is our own responsibility. On the other hand, it's fine to ask your partner to help with your problem, as long as you own that it is yours, and your partner is free to refuse if s/he doesn't want to help

In many cases, if the problem is my problem with you, your problem with me or otherwise truly a shared problem, then the best route is to name it as "our problem."  A good rule is that if either of us has a problem with the other, it is definitely a shared problem " definitely our problem. To do otherwise is basically to refuse any responsibility for what is obviously a problem within our relationship. Not a good idea.

Marriage Tip: Avoid Triggering Your Partner’s Anger

You know what a trigger is - it’s the part of the gun that, when you squeeze it, the gun goes off. BOOM. Relationship triggers work the same way. You or your partner does something (the trigger) that predictably gets the other person angry, and s/he explodes.

The trigger could be a subject (e.g., her criticism of his mother) or a manner of speaking (e.g., his accusatory finger while he criticizes her). It could be a matter of timing (e.g., her waking him up in the middle of the night – to talk). Or it could be all sorts of other behavior that one partner has clearly said, “Please don’t do that any more,” and the other partner has gone ahead and done it – way more than once.

The partner being “shot at” understandably concludes – you either can’t or won’t learn, you are deliberately looking for a fight, or you just like to torment me. Whichever it is, s/he feels very much disrespected, and the relationship suffers.

The partner given to pulling the trigger needs to find out why s/he behaves this way. Assuming that there is a grievance behind this uncaring behavior s/he needs to bring the grievance up straight on, rather than continue with actions that cause trouble and solve nothing.

Success in stopping the provocative, “trigger-happy” behavior will have much to do with whether or not the other partner allows an alternative way of expressing displeasure. We all need to be heard, and when partners listen respectfully to each other, trigger behavior usually doesn’t occur.

Cooperative and Competitive Conversations Don't Mix Well

Cooperative conversations are quite different from competitive ones. Many people - men probably more than women - don't get this distinction.

In a cooperative conversation partners set out to accomplish something together - explore a topic together, solve a problem together, plan something together. “Together” is the focal word here. In addition to achieving something, the intent in a cooperative conversation is to experience being together.

A cooperative conversation is a “we” experience.

A competitive conversation is an “I” experience - more exactly an “I vs you” experience, in which the aim is to win, to prove oneself smarter, faster, more logical or possessed of a better memory than the other person.

In our society, male conversation tends to be more competitive and female conversation more cooperative. Unhappiness is when he and she set out to talk together and succeed only in frustrating each other. She wants the back and forth pleasure of being together and he sees it as a who-is-right conversation.

In our competitive world, there are lots more “I” conversations than “we” ones. So here are a couple of suggestions for developing “we talk:”

* Rule: You can't present your opinion unless you have asked your partner at least two searching questions about what s/he has just said.

* Rule: Each subsequent statement after the first one must begin with “yes and…,” thus insuring that every statement builds upon the one that came before it.

Can You Enjoy What You've Got?

In my counseling practice, I look for what is working right in the relationships I see - partly to offset the tendency, especially of couples at the beginning of counseling, to notice only what is wrong. I find that nearly every couple has a behavior range within which they operate successfully.

Maybe it's getting dinner on the table, talking about the kids, building a play house in the backyard, doing Christmas with the grandparents or laughing at silly movies together. Whatever it is, they do it together, and it works.

Years ago some theatre critic, writing about an actress' performance, said that she had a expressive range from A to B. Maybe in your view that about sums it up for your marriage - A to B with an occasional C every month or so.

If you are like many people in a ho-hum relationship, you don't celebrate what you've got. You complain about all the good stuff that isn't there and perhaps never was. Your complaining could be a serious mistake, if it means that the relationship never grows beyond its present limitations.

On the other hand, if you can sincerely and frequently celebrate what you've got with spoken appreciations and other expressions of positive notice, you may begin to get more.

Trying to change means risking the possibility of failure. Many people would rather endure the complaints of an unhappy partner than risk failure, especially if they expect to fail - as people tend to do when all they hear about is their inadequacy.

On the other hand, if you make a habit of celebrating what you have as a couple that is working well, you may provide your partner - and yourself - with the security and confidence to venture more.

Adding new dimensions to a partially successful but limited relationship is almost certainly going to succeed better than condemning what you've got by finding fault with it constantly.

What Does It Mean to Love Yourself?

It used to be that when people said you ought to love yourself I got this disgusting, narcissistic image of someone stroking himself and murmuring “you’re some swell guy” under his breath. So much for loving yourself. It was only later that I came to realize that, indeed, you can’t love anyone else unless you also love yourself.

Loving yourself, as I understand it, means behaving toward yourself somewhere between the way you would behave toward a good friend and toward a child you loved, whom you wanted to grow up to be strong and self-respecting.

Although you wouldn’t always like their behavior, you’d accept your friend and the child as fundamentally good people. You would encourage them in their endeavors, take pleasure in their successes and come to their aid when they became discouraged.

You would not judge them harshly nor condemn them. You would not insult nor degrade them, nor otherwise lead them to feel that they were worthless or a failure. In short, you would be a good friend to your friend and a encouraging, supportive parent figure to the child.

Treat yourself the same way, and – at least in my view – you will be loving yourself. And all without even a touch of narcissism.

Do You Prefer Rage or Effectiveness When You Are Upset in Your Marriage?

You know the kind of anger that fumes silently for a long time and then explodes in a big, noisy flash? You yell, you say things that later on you wish you hadn’t. You get completely unhinged. The more you talk, the larger grows your anger – until you are spent and fall silent. Your explosion is good for releasing energy, but as a device for getting something changed, it’s not so good. Here is a better way:

Confront the fact that you don’t yet give yourself permission to tell what is bothering you when you first get upset. That is why you let your anger build up until you “can’t help yourself” and have to speak.

There probably are a few “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” about speaking up or showing anger that will have to be confronted, as well as a possible fear of the consequences of talking straight that you will need to explore with your partner. (“Would you rather that I share what is on my mind at the time or store things up until I am full of rage and explode at you?”)

You may look quite awesome and feel temporarily powerful when finally you explode and all your anger and resentment come rushing out. Realize that you will be trading all that in for a much less dramatic and controlled effectiveness, when you give yourself permission to just speak up. No huge explosion.  just a measured “Something is going on right now that I need to talk about.”

Make sure that you would rather be effective and get something you don’t like changed than roar but get nothing changed. Once that is clear, you can be on your way to making relationship changes that will work for you – and maybe your partner as well.

Find the Bad Couple Routines and Change Them

We humans are creatures of habit. Look at our marriages and partner relationships. Couples mostly relate in standard patterns or routines. Some of these routines are neutral, like those that begin the typical work day. Some are positive, like comfortable, satisfying sex. And some are really negative and damage our relationships. The neutral routines are useful. The positive routines are satisfying. The negative routines serve no healthy purpose. We should understand how they work and get rid of them.

Consider the standard "Ruth is unhappy with Ben" routine. Ruth complains harshly to Ben. Ben feels hurt but says nothing. Frustrated by Ben’s silence, Ruth complains more loudly. Ben hurts more but endures in silence. When his only escape is to say something, Ben says, "You are right Ruth – whatever you say. I’m guilty."

This sad routine ends with Ruth stomping off angrily. Afterward, neither speaks to the other - sometimes for days.

A change in either partner’s behavior changes the routine. Ruth would interrupt the routine if she stopped her harangue and asked Ben what she could do that would inspire him to speak. Alternately, Ben could tell Ruth that her manner of speaking hurt him. He could agree to discuss her complaint if she were to speak differently.

Achieving satisfaction with each other would allow Ruth and Ben to look together at their unhappy routine in a cooperative, uncritical way, following this useful pattern: When you do X, I feel Y and respond Z. A better way would be if we…

Be Upset with Your Partner – But No Self-Righteousness

If you have been holding in a big complaint for a long time and finally have found the courage to tell you partner, go for it. Let’r rip. Otherwise, maybe you ought to be a little bit suspicious of your own outrage.

If you have a well-articulated, well-practiced sense of outrage., if expressing it sounds like you are making a speech, if your outrage increases as you go along, if – secretly – you are enjoying yourself as you lay into your partner, then quite possibly you have entered the zone of self-righteousness and probably ought not to be there.

Behind most relationship complaints lies a situation for which each partner has at least partial responsibility. The more righteously indignant you get about your partner’s behavior, the less you are able to see your part. If you can’t see your part or see it only partially and poorly, you then you will be at a loss to help prevent a reoccurrence.

If you think that it is all your partner’s fault and it isn’t, then the responsibility for preventing a reoccurrence falls entirely to your partner. And if your partner knows that it isn’t all him or her, your partner’s motivation to stop whatever is going on – without your cooperation – won’t be very great.

Then round and round you go.

On the other hand, if you climb off your high horse and get clear about your responsibility before you nail your partner for his (or hers), you are going to succeed much better.

What you say to your partner might go something like this, "I know that I am partly responsible for what happened last night – and I am willing to have you say what you think my responsibility is. At the same time, really I am furious at you for what you said to me in front of our friends. I want you to own up to hurting me. Will you do that – as well as complain to me about my part?"

Some Subjects Need An Up Close Treatment

         

Some subjects – like your sexual relationship – demand an up close treatment. "Up close" means familiar, fundamentally accepting, trusting, open, flexible. "Up close" is the opposite of "distant," which is out of touch, unfriendly, distrustful, relatively closed and rigid.

If you can help it, you don’t want to discuss any of the big subjects from a distant place. You are not going to do well if you and your partner talk about money, raising the kids, your unhappiness, affection, sex and similar "sensitive" topics when you are feeling really distant from each other.

Your mutual distrust and out-of-touchness is bound to interfere. You won’t be sympathetic to the other person’s point of view. (In fact, you may not even listen to it.) You will probably push your own views in an antagonistic and rigid way. And the subject itself will probably end up a distant second to your complaints about each other.

Is there something that you and your partner really need to talk about? Are you worried that it won’t go well? Yes? Then first do your best to move the relationship from distant to relatively up close.

How? Spend some time – a few days even – being mutually generous and understanding before you talk. And when you do sit down to explore the subject, reassure each other that you will listen sympathetically and treat what each other says with respect.

Marital Unhappiness – When the Way He Sees His Wife Has Little in Common with the Way She Sees Herself

When I’m working with a couple, I sometimes find it helpful to meet with each partner alone for a session. I often find that the way they see themselves does not match with the way they are seen by the other person – so much so sometimes that I want to get them together and say, “Let me introduce you to each other.”

An example: I remember a session with a woman who complained bitterly about her husband’s coldness to her. She told of missing simple affection and cuddling together in the evening. She cried while confessing that sometimes she wanted to be held and comforted and felt so lonely and abandoned when this never happened.

Clearly this was a woman who was in touch with her need for basic physical connection with her spouse and saw herself as soft and vulnerable. On the other hand, her husband, during his individual session, described his wife as “sharp” and “accusatory.” He claimed that she regularly interrogated him. Never once did he even hint at softness or vulnerability.

What was going on? Quite possibly the wife was all that both she and her husband said about her. She did want affection and at times comforting, and she was sometimes sharp and accusatory (especially, perhaps, after she didn’t get the affection she needed but did a poor job of asking for).

And undoubtedly, because of their individual past experiences, she more noticed her vulnerability and need and he more noticed her sharpness and aggressiveness.

These two needed to have a problem-solving conversation, free from mutual accusation and defensiveness. The discussion might have begun with the wife saying to her husband,  “The way I want to be seen is not the way that you see me. What can we do about it?”